A Warning

It’s important from the outset to distinguish between an intellectual and a hipster. Hipsters spend a lot of time thinking about a multiplicity of topics ranging from, but not limited to – what bygone era do they want to look like they came from, what obscure vessel are they going to serve their guests a drink in, and whether it would ever be politically correct to bring back the Hitler moustache.

Intellectuals have way too many superior thoughts floating around their consciousness to possibly concern themselves with any of this, such as existential crises and whether or not the Big Bang Theory really did deserve a seventh season. This isn’t an attack on hipsters – you can’t actually attack them as they deny their own existence. No one has ever admitted or discovered or even realised they are a hipster, so it is very much like arguing against someone with Alzheimer’s, or trying to fight a plastic bag.

Jazz and Classical

Whilst maintaining that classical music is the insurmountable peak of musical composition, and jazz is responsible for pretty much the birth of modern culture as we know it, do not publicly bemoan modern music. Make it clear that you can appreciate the comprehensive body of work Miley Cyrus has produced and that, even though it wouldn’t be your first choice, One Direction do have some undeniably catchy choruses. This will confound your audience, and they will realise you are operating on levels of intellect, empathy and understanding they can only dream of. Bonus points for drawing comparisons between the racially controversial work of Wagner and Katy Perry.