This happened a few days ago but nobody seemed to give a fvck so I figured it was still worth writing about and putting on Sick Chirpse because boy is there a lot to talk about regarding how painfully shit this is. You probably vaguely remember Frankie Cocozza from last year’s X Factor as some twatty Essex teenager who loved to party and got booted off the show because he had a cocaine party (or did it once…..sure). Remember Kelly Rowland’s reaction to the news? That was pretty lolz huh. Anyway, apparently he showed up in Celebrity Big Brother this year and came second but I thankfully missed that, but I don’t think anyone actually thought that he was going to be releasing music at any point in his life because he was fvcking awful at singing.

Well, of course everyone was wrong and he dropped his first single ‘She’s Got A Motorcycle’ this week and it’s every bit as awful as you might imagine it. His voice still has that stupid Essex twang to it only now he’s got what I assume is a major label deal it’s also been autotuned (which is pretty obvious) so it doesn’t sound as terrible as his vocal performances on X Factor but it still sounds pretty terrible and fake and bad. And that’s before we even get to the lyrics.

Obviously the motorcycle of the title is a sexual innuendo (hehe that Frankie Cocozza he is so naughty lolz) and the chorus is the outrageously dumb following lines:

She’s got a motorcyle, a big bad motorcycle,

She knows how much I like it / But she won’t let me ride it?

She’s got a motorcyle/It looks so damn delightful (eww)

She knows how much I like it/But she keeps trying to hide it

Why, why, why am I out of luck? / Cos I’ve seen others fill you up.

On your motorcycle / Your big bad motorcycle,

You know how much I like it / Why won’t you let me ride it?’

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These lyrics are so stupidly obvious and so fvcking awful that you might actually think that Franki Cocozza had written them himself. The fact that somebody else did is probably even more painful than the fact that he didn’t. I could talk about the quality (or lack thereof) of the lyrics for a lot longer but I really think the video deserves more of my attention because it just fits together with the song in a perfect synthesis of complete and utter tragedy.

For some reason, the marketing gurus are trying to market Frankie Cocozza as a ‘serious’ musician so they’ve got a band playing in the video even though the song has quite clearly been made on a computer with sampled instruments. It’s kinda like the Carly Rae Jepsen video except done insanely badly. These guys are obviously really edgy looking guys because Frankie Cocozza is a really edgy guy and they’re trying to appeal to dumb girls that like edgy guys. Except these guys look like fvcking losers. For some reason they’re playing in a warehouse that looks like it might actually be CGI’ed which is even weirder because you would think it would have been easier to have just filmed in a warehouse rather than create a really crappy looking CGI one. Or it might just be the camera angle, but either way the warehouse just looks really crappy and weird and not normal.

Then you have Frankie Cocozza’s performance in the video. Normally in music videos where it’s just one singer they might dance around a bit or try and sing the song fairly passionately to the camera. Frankie goes for the second option here but his idea of looking like he’s singing passionately involves wincing and bending over like he has diarrhoea. It just looks painful rather than attractive and makes him look like a bigger tool than he already is.

There isn’t much to the video other than this, except that there’s a guy/girl riding around on a motorcycle in the warehouse for a really short part of it. At the end of the video, the motorcyclist also rides through some fire for some unknown reason, which almost looks cool but in reality probably wouldn’t even have looked cool if they had done it in 1993. Then the motorcyclist takes his helmet off and OMG it’s Frankie Cocozza!!!! Wow. Speechless at that revelation.

So yeah, judging by this – and the fact that it’s also being released on ‘The Motorcycle EP’ (again another indicator that he’s being marketed as a serious musician, when the hell has a popstar ever released an EP?) which means he probably isn’t going to drop the motorcycle motif anytime soon – it seems like we won’t be hearing from Frankie Cocozza for a while, which can only be a good thing right? Enjoy it while it lasts:

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