Foreigners In Japan

3. The Guy Who Hates Japan, But Secretly Loves It More Than Anything

This one is easy. They complain, complain, complain, complain, complain about Japan all week, but as soon as it’s Friday night they are straight in the nearest gaijin bar and hitting on the ‘5-out-of-10-at-best-but-she’s-Japanese-so-I’m gonna-smash-it-anyway’ local 30 year olds with a pretty decent success rate, and are getting their end wet far more often than if they had just stayed in their home country. The same goes for pay day, as they earn much more than if they were doing similar work back home – i.e. mind numbingly boring bullshit – leading to the double combo of a good wage and terrible but not infrequent sex, and thus a lifelong love of the Land of the Rising Sun.

4. The Dirty Gaijin

Similar to number 3, but without the added desire for a decent salary. He’s here for one reason, and one reason only. To get laid AS MUCH AS FUCKING AS POSSIBLE. Again, on a night out in his home country, his chances of playing hide the sashimi would be minimal at best. And that’s an understatement, as he is generally a complete and utter cunt in every way imaginable. However, he believes that as a foreigner in Japan, every bar will be absolutely full of clunge and all he has to do is talk to a girl, and ‘she’ll be so wet you’ll be able to hear the waves breaking in her fanny.’ Again, NOPE. But he’ll give it a fucking good go, regardless of whether she’s a 2 or a 9, he’ll be on it. Most of the time he’ll get rejected, but occasionally – VERY, VERY occasionally, there will be a girl who’s never been shown any attention by a gaijin before and is just drunk enough to be interested. You might see them making out, at which point it gets awkward, as he realises he’s in over his head and doesn’t have the balls to do the deed, meaning that they simply make out until they sober up, and then exchange numbers at the end of the night, promising to meet again. It’ll never happen, and he’ll go back to his home country eventually – probably America – forever regretting never getting his own JAV experience. The stupid cunt.

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5. The Angry Moose

Again, this is easy to explain. As discussed, western guys in Japan seem to be here primarily for the poon – unless they’re otaku, in which case they’re not getting laid with anyone regardless of nationality. This means that if you’re a western woman in Japan, if you’re not stunningly hot, no one is going to be banging you. It’s likely that the Japanese guys will be too intimidated if you’re between a 5-7, (they seem too add two hot points to your rating, simply for being non-Japanese). If you’re below a 5 however, they’re not showing you attention because they’re intimidated, but simply because they have standards too. Obviously. This leads to the gradual metamorphosis from being a generally below average looking, yet docile and reserved woman…into a bitter beefhound who ain’t never gettin no meat with that face/body/attitude/everything, literally everything. They begin to hate Japanese guys through resentment of not getting hit on, coming up with the standard excuses like ‘I would never date a Japanese guy, they treat woman so badly’, OR ‘I didn’t come to Japan to date another gaijin’. (As a side note, however, any western couples that do get together, are generally pretty pathetic, as I’m sure you can imagine.) Regardless, these women become so undersexed that they begin to consider hooking up with the super gross creeps that showed them a little bit of attention six months ago. However, when the moose makes her move, she realises that she’s too late, and he’s no longer interested, as he went on one awkward date with Yoko two months ago, and has since decided that ‘he’s done with white chicks and will only date Japanese girls from now on.’ So yeah, she is miserable. And gross. Really, really gross and angry. But mostly gross.