Florida raises the stakes yet again. We’re used to seeing all kinds of bizarre shit going down there, but this one is pretty much unthinkable, just in terms of how practical it is.

The story revolves around a 59 year old guy called Rupert Darwin who lives in the sparsely populated Everglade City, which is home to roughly 400 people. Not really much of a city then.

Darwin lives in the outskirts, works as a fisherman and keeps himself to himself according to residents. They also describe him as odd, although I’m not really sure if anyone could have prepared them for how odd he actually turned out to be.

It transpired that Darwin had a 12 foot alligator tied up and blindfolded in his backyard and that he would regularly rape the animal multiple times a day. He was discovered after an unnamed nature hiker walked past his place and overheard the dirty deed going on – he also heard Darwin talking dirty to the alligator:

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It was the darndest thing. I was performing a nature walk but I got a little off the beaten track when I got lost because my compass stopped working after I sat on it by accident.

I came across this wooden hut in the woods and was going to go in to ask them for directions when I heard someone shouting in the backyard.

I walked over there and heard Darwin growling: ‘next time you try to kill a man, you best get the job done. Now you’re my bitch forever.’

It was the damn strangest thing I’ve ever seen. The gator didn’t even move. It was like it didn’t give a shit that Darwin was having sex with it.

Needless to say I hightailed it out of there. It took me another seven hours to find a road without my compass but I’m still glad I didn’t go anywhere near that guy.

Hmm. Sounds like Darwin’s dirty talk wasn’t really doing it for the alligator. I mean it’s alright doing the whole 50 Shades Of Grey thing, but if you aren’t going to put any actual effort in then what’s the point?

Darwin was arrested following these revelations and was charged with multiple counts of animal cruelty as well as illegally keeping a wild animal. He pretty much admitted to all the charges and explained the situation during his police interview:

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The gator had gotten a hold of my pant leg when I was fishing in a swamp and tried to drag me into the water. I was able to escape without injury, but I wanted revenge, pure and simple.

I don’t have no sexual attraction to gators, but I wanted to teach this bitch a lesson. I could have just killed her, but that would have been too easy. She was getting what she deserved.

I planned to chop off her tail and pull her teeth apart too. I was then going to torture her by playing nigger music at her over and and over again without stopping. Bitch.

Well, that sure is one hell of a revenge scheme isn’t it? Damn. I’m not sure if the alligator even gave a crap though because it just lay there completely still when Darwin was pumping his dick into her. Sounds like she didn’t even notice it to be honest, so it sounds like Darwin’s little scheme was a complete bust. Loser.

Darwin is probably going to jail for some time whilst the alligator is getting ready to be released back into the wild after being treated for minor injuries. No idea what she’ll get up to now she’s free again but I’m sure Darwin will be hoping she doesn’t come looking for revenge on him like he did. It doesn’t really sound like she was too bothered by the whole ordeal though so will probably just go back to attacking random rednecks.