I’ve always wondered whether dressing up as a mascot is something people choose to do, or are forced to do. I mean, I can sorta see the privileges of being a mascot but I’m not gonna go into all of them because you’ve got a very limited amount of concentration and I’ve gotta gauge that for a pretty small time of a minute or two.

But one privilege of being a mascot is if you’re a mascot in the NFL. Every single NFL team has really hot cheerleaders that make Melanie Iglesias and Zooey Deschanel look as if they’ve been kicked in the face by a horde of camels and one of the main reasons why a lot of us watch the NFL is only to perv on those girls as the sport itself is pretty boring and long-winded and the players all chest-bump each other at random intervals like they’re copying off the Teletubbies. Another reason why you’d probably choose to be a mascot is that you’d get paid to watch your favourite sports team/s from the sidelines or tunnel and nobody could see who you are, you’re just a numpty in a mascot costume, but you’re at the game, getting paid to watch your team while the rest of us have paid Sky subscription or have paid for a ticket into the stadium or whatever, so the joke’s on the rest of the nation for 90 minutes or however long the game lasts while you stand there on the sidelines, sweating so much in the costume that you’ve shed 5 stone.

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Of course, though, some lost souls are forced into being a mascot for a number of reasons but I reckon the main reason is that they’re desperate for a bit of £ to pay off their dealer for the week because I’d rather pay a Sky subscription or for a ticket rather than look like a complete bellend dancing on the sidelines and instigating the cheers of the crowd like some idiotic child pleading for attention from his family who don’t love him and never have done and never will. I also couldn’t handle the heat of being inside a costume for all that time, I’d be sweating piss and blood and the inside of the costume would completely stink. This would all change if I was American, or lived in America, though, as I’d be dancing around those NFL cheerleaders in a shot in my mascot get-up.

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However, not every mascot belongs to a sports team and you can have mascots in kids parties and all that jazz (I’m not a paedo, I worked behind a bar for years, that’s how I know this shit). You can also have mascots for the police, the fire service, environmental care services and ad campaigns; you can have mascots for just about anything.

There’s even a mascot for the a specialist children’s burn unit in a hospital in Brazil and the mascot is named Flamy. I know, right? It’s gotta be a joke…

Nah. It’s not. Here’s the proof.

Scary, eh?

The hospital is called ‘Fundação Hospitalar’ and it’s in Minas Gernais. It receives over 100 burns victims a day and some prize-plum there decided to try to make the children who’re in the burns unit a bit happier by introducing a mascot who’s dressed as a flame and is named Flamy and who teaches the children about what to do with flammable materials and how to treat burns.

I mean, fair play to the hospital for attempting to make the kids’ stay happier and to educate them and all, but c’mon – where’s the common sense?  The kids probably have nightmares about the actual flames that caused them to be in that unit in the first place so why would they want to be visited by a person with a synthetic flame on their head when they’re awake? Literally, that would be a real nightmare. It’s like being raped and then waking up in a hospital with the rapist standing over your bed again. It would completely ruin your life and it must be really easy to get a job as a marketer in Brazil, as this picture agrees:

It reads: ‘This is Chaminha, the burn victim mascot in Minas Gerais. He visits children who are burn victims… No one can burn as bad as a bad marketer.’

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