It’s been quite enjoyable seeing Man United fans suffer in recent times, not just with what’s been happening on the pitch but also their lack of activity in the transfer market and potentially losing Ronaldo this month as well. But even I feel a bit sorry for the players when I see Erik ten Hag’s ‘five strict rules’ he’s reportedly implementing into the side ahead of next season.

Here’s a rundown:

Rule #1 – Any player late to training or team meetings will be dropped without exception.

This one actually isn’t bad. It’s always annoying when people are late to things, and if you’re a footballer making hundreds of thousands of pounds a week the least you can do is show up on time when your manager asks you to. Still, ‘no exceptions’? What if you get stuck in traffic because of climate change activists blocking the roads or something? Bit harsh IMO.

Rule #2 – Drinking alcohol during a matchweek is banned.

Essentially a blanket ban on alcohol throughout the season, with United regularly set to play twice a week with European football as well. You’re telling me these young millionaire party animals won’t be able to drink alcohol for months on end? Not even a beer on the couch or a glass of wine with the girlfriend? Come on! You’d hope these guys were smart enough to not get bladdered the night before a game, but banned for the whole week? Brutal.

Rule #3 – Players are banned from having personal chefs and must use the canteen at Carrington as their man source for meals. Ten Hag is overhauling the menu, with fish and vegetables the most prominent meal.

Damn. Imagine being rich and not being allowed to have a personal chef? Being forced to eat fish and vegetables all the time even when you fancy something else? Does Ten Hag really not trust his players enough to eat healthy and stay in shape? There’s no way someone like Ronaldo is canning his personal chef just because Ten Hag tells him to. No wonder he’s trying to force a move!

Rule #4 – Players must keep their weight in check and so BMIs will be checked on a weekly basis.

OK, this one makes sense. Don’t want any fatties on the team, that’s understandable. Don’t need to see Luke Shaw dropping dead from a heart attack after running around the pitch for 90 minutes. Essentially a common sense football rule, and probably a decent rule for life too.

Rule #5 – All player grievances must be run by him, instead of going to agents and other sources.

Huge L for the football journos, blogs and media this one. Man United have been one of the most chaotic, dysfunctional teams in the Premier League these last few seasons, with stories about in-fighting leaking left, right and centre. The reason all these stories were out there is because players and/or their agents were babbling to the media at every opportunity. It was great! Well Ten Hag is trying to put an end to all that but he’ll probably regret it when he ends up spending most of his time playing peacemaker/therapist to all the divas at Old Trafford.

Who knows, maybe Man United will have a decent season if they just play by Ten Hag’s rules and do everything he asks. If those 5 rules sound like too much work already they should probably call it quits and/or hand in their transfer requests right now. Even Sir Alex Ferguson wasn’t this much of a tyrant!

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