4) Have you ever tried to take a shit whilst wearing a dressing gown? It’s not possible. You end up with shit in and on the dressing gown, shit all over your genitals and shit all over your immediate family members and pets. It’s not a pretty site is it? Girls are all like ” well, I can go the toilet whilst wearing a dress.” Well done. You’ve either a) got a dick b) got a funnel up your chuff or c) not gone to the toilet at all, because you’ve got a painful bladder infection from sleeping with too many STD riddled perverts, who wear, you guessed it – dressing gowns.

5) People who wear wacky dressing gowns are the same kind of cunts that dress up their dogs in tiny little Elvis suits. You know the kind of person that actually thinks it’s acceptable to give a loved one a Santa dressing gown as a Christmas gift. That’s a fucking shit present. How about a nice watch or some scotch? I bet when they finally have kids after years of trying to get pregnant through the ear, that they’ll buy them cute little Star Wars dressing gowns. Awww. Then they’ll start playing with their little light-sabres and before we know it, Jimmy Savile’s ghost will be resurrected and he’ll be sticking his bony fingers in our nation’s sweethearts. Just not Jill Dando, because she’s dead. She wore a dressing gown. Probably died in it.

6) Along the same theme as point 5. Cunts that buy each other dressing gowns with their names sewn into them. Just in case they forget who they’re married too. They’re again the same kinda cunts that dress their dogs in the Elvis suits (and probably doggy dressing gowns), that also have personalised number plates that say ‘Gangsta-69,’ and listen to Gangnam music, like it’s not just one massive fucking joke for people that think that Geordie Shore is a period drama.

7) I’m not a stickler for cleanliness, hell no. I’ve been known to go without a shower for at least two to three hours. I can tell you now that a dressing gown is basically a massive tissue. People wipe their stupid dripping noses on the sleeves, and not to mention that gross woman who used the cord as a tampon. Obviously I made that last bit up, but I bet you that it has happened. You wear a shirt for a day, you wash it. You wear a dressing gown for a month, you hang it back up and wear it for six more.

8 ) If you’re not convinced by now, then take a look at this picture of Susan Boyle wearing one. Not content with looking like a builder with a brick for a face, she’s put the last nail in her already giant coffin by opening the door dressed up as a Pokemon with measles. You can also guarantee that Susan’s erection has slipped out of that thing on several occasions, and scared off whatever imaginary friends she had left. Apparently her genitals look like a Pepperami wearing armbands. Gross.

Well, I hope that’s put you off wearing dressing gowns, maybe at least for a while. If you’re ever tempted to wear one again, read through these eight points, then do enough ketamine until your whole body is numb, and then iron both your hands until you have no skin left. That should serve as a lasting reminder of your stupidity. No need to thank me. Cunts.

☛ Up Next: Susan Boyle Going Beast Mode On The Bagpipes