No doubt you’re sick to the bottom of your horse-filled stomachs with all this endless dialogue about meat not actually being what it’s supposed to be, and the shocking revelation that if you spend minus three pence on a slender disc of meat-matter it’s likely to have some unwanted or unnanounced shit in it. Give us a fucking break will you?
Oscar Pistorius bravely took one for the team in a frantic bid to remove this now mundane media storm from our news feeds, but despite his best efforts the horse meat stories still remain.
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But fear not, the headline-hungry equine infiltrators aren’t having all the fun. Those arrogant clopping pricks, they think they’re so clever and underhand with all their sneaking around and blending in, but what about the entertainment value? What about the showmanship?
No, this feathered joker is taking it to the next level and far, far beyond. You think you’re hardcore sneaking into some other meat when you’re also meat? No way, that’s too easy, I’m getting in a salad. You think you’re smart blending in with the beef, creating a perfectly uniform appearance so the consumer is none the wiser? Pussy, I’m going in whole.
Yep, this five inch long bird, a blackcap warbler (apparently), turned up dead inside some guy’s Tesco salad, in what I can only assume is the kind of copy-cat incident the Daily Mail is always warning us about while simultaneously belching out elaborate, sensationalist hype about whichever mass murderer is the current big news item.
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James Watson from Yate, Gloucestershire was about to tuck into the steak dinner he’d lovingly prepared for his wife, no doubt to smooth over the fact he bought her a packet of Love Rocks for Valentine’s which were actually just bits of gravel from their driveway clumsily wrapped in clingfilm, when he stumbled across the deceased creature. According to Watson, he and his wife got off their stools and “stood there in amazement for at least two minutes.” It’s good to know they can be relied upon in a crisis.
It does seem somewhat unbelievable that he managed to dish up an entire meal and even start eating it without realising there was an entire bird sitting on one of the plates. My guess is that he put it in there as a cheeky practical joke to lighten the mood that had been so badly soured by the Love Rocks episode, and when he realised his wife wasn’t down with it he quickly thought of the perfect cover story. Genius.
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