This happy egg is Blackburn and Manchester United Norwegian bald eagle Henning Berg. That’s right. Him. As a powerful central defender he scored more goals than our man in the burger stand David Batty and is one of six men to have won the Premier League with two separate clubs. Whilst he was pretty crap at football he played for some good sides and as such won loads of trophies and I can’t think of a way to undermine this. However, since quitting the field of play he has started his own pure water company in Lillestrom called IceBerg. He is now a very rich and powerful man and is the only poker player that Matteo can’t beat. This is a constant source of irritation to Dominic as Hen-Man always takes the piss out of him at the table for looking like the offspring of Grant Mitchell and Dopey from Snow White. He has recently been in and out of the Norwegian High Courts, unsuccessfully suing 50 Cent for nicking his rip-off-coloured-water idea and finding himself on the wrong end of investigations by the Office Of Fair Trading and the Advertising Standards Agency due to the anonymous submission of Dominic Matteo’s video camera upon which he is clearly captured filling his branded water bottles from the tap in his Norwegian lads-pad in Oslo whilst slapping high fives with Ronny Johnsen and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. Stuart Ripley leads the case for the defence.

Ok so I know Gabriel Batistuta was fvcking immense. Clearly out of place on this list but he looks well funny in this picture. His playing days at Fiorentina spanned nearly a decade during which time he banged in over 200 goals in 330 appearances. Since then he’s banged over 200 waitresses in 330 casino toilets. What a guy huh? He quit real football in 2003, playing two further seasons for some dumbass Qatari team. During his time in Qatar he was paid a silly amount of Benjamins and used it to buy a massive yacht and this total MILF he’s got in his armpit. He also invested heavily in a crotchless underwear company for men and is now living off the healthy dividends of that smart move. Gabriel Astute-a. He has also done some modelling work with his good friend and fellow international narcissist Freddie Ljungberg. He did shoots for Burton Menswear, TK Maxx and Hi-Tek but has found work hard to come by since an dodgy modelling contract turned a bit sour. Agreeing to work for Dustin Diamond was probably not wise though..

I am also aware that Roberto Baggio was one the best strikers of his era, and will probably always be on the list of all time best footballer men. He was a revelation at Juventus, Milan and Brescia and according to Wikipedia won 28 individual honours over the course of his playing career. Since hanging up his golden boots he has amassed a personal fortune worth billions, he successfully infiltrated the Turin underworld and has become a Buddhist kingpin of extortion and gambling in northern Italy. He owns a swathe of casinos and is currently blackmailing Gabriel Batistuta for his yacht and his MILF using over 200 C.C.T.V. tapes from the secret toilet cams he originally set up for his glory-hole website baggiosbogz.com. As his assets have begun to work for themselves, the man has become restless and recently released his first rap album entitled Buddhist Bitchez under the moniker “Notorious B.A.G.” The jury is still out on his debut release but by all accounts it’s a load of hackneyed old horse shit.
So as my investigation into the lives of former footballers reaches it’s conclusion, I feel I have saved the best till last. This saggy fatman is obviously ex Everton stopper Neville Southall. This Welsh goliath played an unbelievable 701 league games over his fat 22 year career, playing a staggering 17 seasons for fat Everton. He will always be remembered for having a fat paddy during half time in the first game of the 1990-91 season when the Dirty Toffees were getting their pants pulled down by newly promoted Leeds United. He refused to hang out with his guilty teammates during the interval and just sat against the post with a face like jowly thunder. This bad temper manifested itself into something rather more sinister in later life as Southall has become a keen racist and is standing for the BNP in Cardigan during the next local elections. He is a proud member of the Welsh Defence League and has been known to smash up many a games room up and down the coastal strips of central Wales as his drunken fascist ire has gotten the better of him upon losing at darts to an illegal immigrant. In recent reports he has been kicked out of your Dad’s poker nights and snooker tournaments as he has become a liability at their social events.

I hope you have enjoyed our journey through the haunted corridors of the Shit 90’s Footballers Hall Of Infamy. I hope I have enlightened you as to what some of the brightest talents of the 90’s are doing on their tedious paths to eventual oblivion. Feel free to check the facts and update any inconsistencies with the truth that I may have overlooked.

Thanks for reading y’all.