Most people know that Christianity is about God and Jesus and all those guys with beards, but many people’s knowledge stops there. If you were never indoctrinated with it, then you wouldn’t necessarily know the deets. So here at the Chirpse we’ve looked into it thoroughly to enable you to find out for yourself how retarded it is.

Not all of Christianity will be covered here of course, she’s a tumultuous, meandering, cacophony of a religion that’s been distorted over millennia, but these are the bare bones of it.

So, from the top. keep these things in mind: God is omnipotent, i.e. he is all powerful, he’s omniscient — he sees everything, and finally he’s omnipresent, which means he’s everywhere all of the time, past, present and future.

Just 6,000 years ago, God decided to make a Universe, so he did. Initially it was pitch black which was rubbish, so he invented light, rock, plants and animals. Finally he made a man and a woman to appreciate his handy work. God revelled in their enjoyment and despite being their overlord and creator, he craved their validation and worship.

After his sixth day of invention he decided, despite being omnipotent, that he simply must take twenty four hours rest, just to recoup, you know, from the effort.

God is all seeing and all powerful but decided that this man and woman he’d make should be entirely imperfect in thought and manner. For the sake of drama he placed a single, off limits tree within the paradise he’d created. God asked them to steer clear or risk punishment. However, due to their inherent design faults in regards to their fallibility, i.e. they were designed with an inquisitive, pleasure seeking nature, it wasn’t long before they did exactly as they weren’t supposed to. They ate the apple.

Regardless of the fact that God had already seen the entire unfurling of human future, and knew well before he even switched the lights on what would become of the humans in full technicolor detail, he was pissed. They ate from the forbidden tree. He knew full well that they would. Despite knowing that Adam and Eve would commit this tree based sin before he even created the Universe, he saw fit to punish the couple of newborns. It wasn’t enough simply to punish the couple alone, so the omnipotent God of Love decided to punish the blood line of all human kind to come. For ever. Fair enough. He is in charge after all.

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At this point you would think he might have considered tinkering with his faulty organisms, perhaps turning down the pleasure frequency, or curtailing their inquisitive node, or maybe just eradicating sin — he is all powerful remember. But no, he decided to let it play out as it was, and let his favourite creation, his love, his model in his image, his piece de resistance, suffer and strive for eternity.

Further down the line there was no real improvement in human etiquette, if anything, there was a bit of a downturn in moral behaviour. Instead of making the rules clearer or changing his creation’s hardwiring, he opted for the challenging and ultimately doomed route of punishment and re-punishment. As he took this task on, he already knew it would not work (he is omniscient as we know), but nevertheless opted for it as His optimum route because He loved us so much that he wanted to give us the opportunity to fail and be murdered rather than help us out and control us.

I will now illustrate one of God’s helpful, if heavy handed attempts to limit our evil, evil ways:

At a particularly dire point in society’s history God saw that everyone in the entire world, the whole of the human race, was faulty, evil and sin ridden. All of them. Rather than blame himself for his clear and total cock up he decided to kill every single one of these “made in his image” humans (except one family — Noah’s – who were apparently the only sinless, god fearing family that existed). He drowned everyone else. Men, women and children. All drowned. Of course that included the vast majority of the animals he had designed that had done no wrong at all.

Noah’s family saved a couple of each animal to conveniently carry on their blood lines. This is a good example of one of God’s miracles as Noah managed to save species from across the entire globe, despite being stuck in the Middle East and being entirely untrained in zoology.

Unsurprisingly this rather drastic tactic didn’t work in any way at all. People grew back just as sinful and ignorant of their maker’s wishes as the last time. Because God is omnipotent and omniscient he knew full well that this would be the case, he knew it would fail. He knows everything. He knew people would repopulate the earth and be just as “evil” as before. But I guess he thought he would give it a go, just to see if he was wrong, which he never is.

After a good long time of wars and retributions, God decided something a little more drastic would have to occur to sort out the filthy degraded people which he had meticulously designed, culled and re-culled. Another genocide just wouldn’t be enough.

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His next idea was a stroke of divine genius, really showing his all seeing, all capable line of reasoning. Bear in mind he’s seen everything that’s happened and will happen, everything that is happening and everything that could or would happen.

He decided to send down his son, (who incidentally, is also part of God and joins with another fella called the Holy Ghost to form one entity — the Holy Trinity, a bit confusing really) to this God forsaken planet to show us the true way. God decided not to simply let us know what we should or shouldn’t do via telepathy, or change our brains, or do a dramatic light display where the whole sky lit up with the message “I AM YOUR CREATOR, PLEASE STOP FUCKING PEOPLE, GETTING DRUNK AND WORSHIPING BITS OF WOOD. IT PISSES ME OFF AND MAKES ME JEALOUS. THANKS, MR GOD”. No, that would be too easy, instead he sent his son to the Middle East. Here he would grow up as a normal man, with all of man’s inherent design faults (why bother changing them?) to talk to people about where they had gone wrong and do some low grade tricks in front of a handful of desert dwellers.

The great thing about this idea is that Jesus, that was his name, would be completely unknown to the vast majority of the world, and to make his point properly he would have to be publicly humiliated and murdered.

I know this sounds a little futile: preaching to a few thousand people, showing a couple of hundred people some minor miracles and then allowing yourself to get killed. But you would be wrong. The real cherry on the cake was the fact that Jesus would rise from the dead. No one would see him rise per se, just a couple of people would get the chance to see him risen before he was fired back up to heaven. Scroll forwards a few decades and we find some fringe religious zealots would write about it so that everyone could know that the all knowing, all seeing, all powerful, all loving God had sent his own son to be murdered in order to partially fix the problems that he had already created and could have solved without bloodshed but decided not to. Genius.

As it happens that didn’t work and people continued to be pretty disrespectful. This did not put God off though. He was determined not to take the easy route out either. He had already designed a great punishment zone called Hell. This was a destination for anyone who decided not to follow God’s/Jesus’ words.

When you die, if you haven’t acknowledged the truth about God/Jesus, you will be sent there. Yes you.

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Interestingly, it is not the amount you have sinned or the amount of good you have done that decides your eternal fate. The only way to get to the good place, is to believe in him, and believe he died and rose again to forgive your sins, simple. Rape as much as you like, but as long as you believe in the murdering of his son and its symbolic meaning you are in the clear. Steal and fight if you will, just repent on your death bed and divine luxury is yours.

So to break it down, if you’ve heard about Jesus and not believed, you are eternally fucked. Eternal punishment. And the reason why?: You didn’t believe the book he left for us to read.

This is a book called the Bible.

The Bible was written by a large number of people over hundreds of years and compiled by unknown persons, all of which are inherently fallible as previously discussed. The tome was then edited and reedited over generations and generations of people with huge axes to grind and vested interests in control of the masses and their cash. This book has gone on to be a best seller, which is great for God. The only real issue he faces now is that he doesn’t really implement any of the rules for himself anymore. (Some rumours say that he’s dead, but that can’t be confirmed.)

In the text it tells of his powerful destruction of dissenters and his war on sin and filth. Huge miracles and parting of the seas. Nowadays, however, he is content to let his faithful followers pick up the slack using techniques as varied as singing in shopping centres to blowing themselves up in shopping centres. None of these techniques really work, yet Christians are adamant that this way is best, regardless of result.

If only God had spent a bit more time and effort trying to make the Bible make sense.

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