I put it to you, that Cheese (the blanket term for the glorious and many derivatives of cheesy music) in finding itself as an object of mainstream hatred, has steadily burrowed its way to the grizzly heart of the nation’s underground musical landscape. Every living soul capable of strategically arching a snap back is marching to the beat of a similar bassy drummer, leaving just a handful of dedicated Cheese-eads fearlessly executing a flawless macarena on the dying embers of the true UK underground.
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For you philistines unschooled to the scene, Cheese stretches from that thumping low-down rotten Cotton-Eye gouda; right the way through to that souped-up mature Right Said cheddar; all the way to that silky lucid stripped-back 80s feta. And back.
While the masses collectively ponder the depth of a house tune or debate the specific prefix that best defines a recent obscure offshoot of techno, the Cheese aficionado lingers sheepishly like a Mariah-appreciating pariah.
The 21st century Cheese enthusiast exists as an embarrassing societal anomaly. They either speak out and risk being marginalised for their passion, or lovelessly skank on, harbouring their dark, corny secret. Dragged along to tumping warehouses, where they are prescribed countless gurners until objection blossoms into indifference; fantasising, all the while, of the Heart FM classics that’ll wash over them on the taxi journey to yard.
Cheese floors the nation over are left stale and barren. It’s just me, a trio of husky middle aged mummas and a gay dude that are holding it down, worming a feeble conga line across the luminous tiles. Reportedly, in some particularly disturbing cases the die hard remnants have been left to voice both the male and female sections of the Grease megamix.
It’s near impossible to beg, hustle and cajole your bass-bred brethrens along. Being left with little other option than to dance in total isolation, with just you, your laptop and a rare bootleg of ‘Now That’s What I Call Music 34’, now that’s what I call motherfucking underground.
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