We probably write about cats too much on Sick Chirpse but who gives a fvck? We don’t, and unless you’re some kind of cat-hatin’, miserable weirdo satanist – in simpler terms: a cunt –  then you don’t mind reading about the latest wheelings and dealings in the cat world and feel as happy as Gary Glitter in a creche when you know that we love cats as much as you. Probably more than you, actually. Mine is, at the moment, making my chest bleed as she curls those pearly daggers in comfort. What a bitch.

Our cats have probably always wondered why we don’t go out with them when they leave the house on their thrilling adventures of discovery, and I’ve kinda wondered why I haven’t gone, too. But, then, when I think about it I realise that if I was to go I wouldn’t be able to keep up with Timmeh (my cat) and he’d leave me behind like that kid in school who no-one liked. Imagine it, all the awesome things you’d get up to, though – kipping in grass, licking your arse and cock, pretending to hunt for birds, kipping in grass, licking your arse and cock, yawning, rubbing into strangers’ legs for attention, kipping in grass, etc etc. The list goes on, you can imagine how class it would be to live the life of a cat for a day now though, right?

Wipe those tears away, you pathetic imbecile. I know you really want to go out with your cat/s for a day and that list got you all emotional but there’s an answer for everything. And here’s the answer to our problem. We’ll no longer get left behind by our cat/s because all they’ve got to do is teach us how to walk with them. I know, right? Why hadn’t we thought of that before. Of course we couldn’t go out with them because 1) we’re not trained to walk with a collar and leash YET and 2) our cat/s aren’t trained to walk us either. So, let’s get this done, dudes. Grab your pussy/ies, make them watch the video with you and you’ll be sorted in no time.

Here’s to spending more time with those that matter. Cats.

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