Firstly I need to say that regarding her list, it’s so fucking stupid I don’t even know if I should do her the honour of deconstructing it at all, but I guess this is what this article is all about so I may as well. If you’re gonna troll someone you might as well do it properly. Also I’m fairly sure that Ms Sutton has never been to Britain judging by her account of life on the British Isles as it seems to have just been compiled of the most stereotypical attitudes towards Britain ever/ found on quick Google searches so I’m not really sure what qualifies her to even write this list.

But she did and I can pretty much rip it apart without breaking a sweat though so here goes:

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The Weather – I guess this is fair enough but you can’t really help where your country is located in the world can you? I’m sure it would be nice for the weather to be great all year round but if I had to be Australian for that to happen I would gladly accept British weather.

The Beer – I don’t really know what Australian beer tastes like but I heard you have to order it in something called a scooner which sounds fucking bent. It’s not that hard to get a cold beer in Britain either – just buy a bottled beer from the bar or put one in the fridge if you’re at home. Simple.

The Beaches – Yeah, all beaches in Britain are stoney. Good research there fucktard. Maybe try Bournemouth or Blackpool for really obvious beaches, or any of the ones listed when you search ‘sandy beaches Britain‘ on Google.

The Food – Oh awah the top British dish is now chicken tikka masala – I guess that’s what all British people must eat constantly, in fact we all live on a diet of it each and every day – and some chef you read about said it was low culture cuisine. This is such a dumb thing to say I don’t even know if it needs a rebuttal but if Ms Sutton seriously thinks that the only food you can get in Britain and the only food that people eat in Britan is chicken tikka masala and fish and chips then she needs a reality check.

Interestingly if you look up Australia’s national dish THERE ISN’T ONE.  But some favourites include meat pie and fish and chips – both of which obviously originated in Britain. Legit.

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The Holidays – Oh, so the most popular tourist destinations are really close to Britain in Spain and Mediterranean islands, which unsurprisingly cater to the British holiday maker by having a bunch of British themed pubs and bars? Although I agree this isn’t exactly an example of high culture, it certainly makes sense as these places are way hotter than Britain and also really close, making them cheaper to get to and the ideal holiday destination.

I don’t like the British theme there any more than Candace Sutton, but the whole process is surely stuck in a cycle of cause and effect that can never be broken. The reason most British people go on holiday is for the weather but I guess they don’t want to have to hang out in too alien an environment so these places started popping up to make them feel at home and the formula worked, so obviously more and more are gonna be built. Get over it.

Incidentally, Australia’s most popular tourist destination is New Zealand. I don’t really get why that woudl be other than it’s close to Australia because surely the weather is fairly similar there, so it just must be that all Australians are cheap and can’t go anywhere else? Or that they love Lord Of The Rings?

The Airports – Agreed it is annoying when you land at one airport and have to fly out of another airport in the city that is miles away, but this is a symptom of a bunch of major cities and the fact that Sydney only has one major airport is probably indicative of why it ISN’T a major city. London’s population is double that of Sydney’s in any case so there’s actually a strong point that it probably NEEDS that many airports to service its population. Also if you’re so worried about going to another airport why don’t you just book a trip that means you don’t have to go to a different airport dickhead.

Happiness – So in an international survey that ranks all developed nations out of happiness, Australia was first and Britain was tenth? Well I don’t really mind taking tenth, as it seems like next year after all our sporting success this year we’ll be rising a lot higher than that huh Candace? And judging by how butthurt Australia is about all our sporting success you guys will probably be dropping like flies down that list if more useless lists like yours come out.

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A Nation Divided – Yeah, everyone from different places in Britain hates each other and nobody ever moves city/country because the hatred that exists among the country is too much. It’s called banter babe, grow up, nobody actually HATES anyone because of where they’re from, we’re not all borderline racists like yourself.

Economy And The Job Market – Great, the Australian economy is booming and Britain’s isn’t. That’s really something to brag about during a world recession. Anyway, things aren’t even THAT bad as this article about the misconceptions of the British public will tell you. Probably should have added that in too, that all British people are stupid. You forgot our teeth as well.

Our Recent Sporting Successes – This is probably the part of her article that pissed me off the most, as it’s one of the most misinformed pieces of journalism I’ve ever had the encounter of reading. Apparently the British Lions aren’t a fair team because they pick the best players from England, Wales, Ireland and Scotland to compete, and that this is the equivalent of picking the best teams from Australasia to form one massive rugby team.

I don’t know anything about rugby or the politics of it, but surely the whole point of it is that all the best players from Great Britain – which is four separate countries you dumb bitch – come together to do a tour? And to compare it to Australasia is fucking ridiculous – that’s a continent not a freaking country you idiot. Just because it’s more sparsely populated doesn’t make it any more or less unfair – if it did then what would be the point of international competition as nobody would be able to compete against each other unless they had exactly the same population, which is impossible. Your comments on this are really stupid Candace.

And they get even stupider when she moves on to say that Kevin Pieterson, Jon Trott and Matt Prior are naturalised South Africans playing for England and that’s the only reason we’re winning The Ashes. Again, I’m not a big fan of cricket but a quick Google search led me to find out that some dude called Fawad Ahmed’s application for Australian citizenship has been fast tracked to enable him to play in the Ashes, even though it doesn’t look like he made the cut in the end.

Sure his story might be slightly different in that he fled Pakistan for persecution, but the fact his application got fast tracked so he could compete in a major sporting event isn’t anything like England naturalising players from other nationalities is it? I guess that doesn’t count though huh Candace? There are probably some more examples of this too but I got so bored researching cricket I just couldn’t face looking into anything else.

So I started examining reasons why it sucked to live in Australia.

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