So Jordan has been recently attracting a lot of sordid media attention by staying at home during the Brit Awards. I stayed at home too. This is what she said to my favourite broadsheet The Sun regarding the matter:

“I don’t want to be the cause of any issue this evening, however manufactured, and I certainly don’t want to be used to distract deserved attention from some truly great British superstars…”

Poor Jordon seems to be labouring under the illusion that she is extremely famous.

I am fascinated by the concept of a Jordan. Try as I might to understand how she came to exist, I just cannot. How does she get any money? She isn’t clever enough for a job and I don’t think she gets her coinpurse out so shes not a smut star. What does she do? What is her function, how did she worm her way into the mass media collective conscience?

Anyway…she was apparently supplied with a ticket but then advised by some Brit Awards prankster not to go cus she’d probz try and like bash Peter Andre in the face. As if no one has had an ex-husband before. It is Jordan I guess. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Jordan bashed Peter Andre at the Brit Awards though? Wouldn’t you wanna see that? Remember Celebrity Death Match? It’d be amazing. Much better than watching the tedious carousel of androgenous human robot hybrids such as Gaga, Green and Perry or whichever ridiculous clown people performed at the cabaret pantomime. It all seems a little arficial doesn’t it? Taste is an inherently subjective thing so how can being the best at music be quantified? Who votes? Did you vote? I didn’t vote. Who makes it the best? Best newcomer, best oldcomer, best female robot, best male robot. Anyway who cares, it doesn’t mean anything. Just another distraction.

I wanna talk about Jordan though. Shes gone mental. Shes’s gone wrong in the mind tank. Not only did she marry the bloated, washed up pop wankster Peter Andre a few years ago, she has now divorced him and married this guy called Alex Reid. Alex Reid is apparently a “cross dressing cage fighter”.

WHAT???

What does this mean? Whatever. A man’s right to wear french knickers is an unnassailable one and who am I to cast aspersions? Plus, he’s a cage fighter so he’d smash in my peanut if he reads I’ve been laughing at him. Which is entirely likely. He looks like one of those gangstas from Dick Tracy. But he wears flowery dresses when no-one is looking. This is what he said to OK! Magazine:

“It’s a bit of fun. I’ve dressed up as a woman and it’s a laugh.

“I’ve got nothing to hide and I’m proud of who I am. If I go out and wear a dress, so fvcking what? I don’t want a $ex change.”

 He doesn’t want a $ex change. Cus that’s just fucked up right? But wanting to change $ex is ok. Just a bit of fun. A laugh. And now they’re getting divorced after one year and he wants half her stuff. Makes good old Petey look like a right catch.

She went mental cus after the Brit Awards, at which she was reluctantly absent, Reid went out on the town and tried to get into the Brit Awards afterparty without her. Exquisitely, he was denied by the giant bouncer. Even though he went dressed as a man. I thought he was a cage fighter? Why didn’t he fight his way in? Anyway, this clearly is a ridiculous thing to do to your wife. Jordan’s ire was justified. But she reckons he went out lookin’ for a hump. Sent him loads of texts about don’t go shag any grubby slappers and stuff. But he’s a famous tranny. Who’s he gonna hump? Would you ladies? He’s well orange as well. His female alter ego is called Roxanne.

I dunno why I’m telling you this. It’s funny though isn’t it? I just wanted something to do as I sit here waiting for another day to die.

Jordan has also recently sacked her assistant Hannah Linnen.  A source I found on The Sun website said:

 “Katie’s on the edge. First she sacked her closest aide then turned on Alex when he dared to leave her at home.”

Jordan axed Linnen amid a hunt to find who grassed her up to the pigs after they recently questioned her over a burn on her daughter. Who is called Princess. Nice one Einstein.

So Jordan is mental so puts her fag out on Princess. So the P.A. tells the pigs, P.A. gets sacked. Jordan’s boyfriend turns out to be a tranny so she gets more mental. He goes out to get shitfaced without her, stealing her thunder, so she gets even more mental. She gets so mental that she divorces him. So he tries to get all her stuff. She’s gonna go completely fvcking mental.

Meanwhile Peter Andre is conduncting interviews on the red carpet for the Brit Awards.

I bet he’s loving it.