COOKIE CRISP

You don’t even like breakfast at all; you just want to endlessly shovel sugary crap down your greedy gullet. You were that kid at school who’s mum just didn’t give a damn one bit. The sickly looking one who had Nutella sandwiches everyday and was constantly getting worrying looks from the teachers. You stayed up late watching South Park and knew more swear words than the whole of the PTA put together. At the time we all thought you were the luckiest person in the world, but look at you you. A slave to your own sweet tooth. Savory food is but a long forgotten pleasure that you’re physically incapable of getting back. You’re pretty much just a couple steps down from a heroin addict. Seek help.

SHREDDED WHEAT

You find bright colours intimidating, all your furniture is from Ikea and your greatest pleasure in life is settling down to watch daytime TV on BBC2 with a nice, refreshing glass of room temperature tap water.

☛ Read Next: Meet Buddha — The 31 Pound Cat Who Only Eats Human Food