I found this gem whilst perving over Azealia Bank’s tumblr. Which, coincidentally is way cool, and has lots of material to get jiggy over. I love her. Maybe I’ll submit a story about her to the Tumblr I’m actually meant to be talking about … RAP INDUSTRY FAN FICTION
There’s a lot to sift through, perfect for a wild night in. Here are a few of my faves, which I’m sure we can ALL enjoy:
KELLY ROWLAND BABYSITS BLUE IVY
“And the nursery is right over there,” Beyonce said, pointing towards the doorway on the other side of the living room. “I think that’s everything.”
“Sounds good,” Kelly Rowland said. “Is she asleep? I can’t wait to meet her.”
“She’s asleep,” Beyonce said. She gazed serenely around the spotless living room, her eyes lingering the doorway to the nursery, draped in thick velvet curtains, with a small seal of Baphomet over the door. “Please don’t wake her up.”
“Sure,” Kelly said. Kelly was there to babysit. Beyonce and Jay-Z had an important meeting to attend to, where they would debrief their fellow Illuminati about the recent sacrifice and Blue Ivy’s ever-growing strength.
“Hey,” Kelly said, snapping Beyonce out of her reverie. “Is that an Xbox?” Kelly pointed at the entertainment center beneath the wall-mounted flatscreen.
“Yes,” Beyonce said. “We don’t use it very much, but you’re welcome to play it, if you’d like.”
“Cool,” Kelly said. “You know, everywhere I’m looking now–”
“Kelly,” Beyonce said. “Don’t.”
“I’m surrounded by video games.” Kelly was grinning.
“Don’t do this, Kelly.”
“Baby, I can see your Halo–”
“Kelly,” Beyonce said. “Just go. Just leave. We’ll find a different babysitter.” She pointed at the front door and stared, still and silent, until Kelly had shut the door behind her.
‘Nelly stood in the first aid aisle of the CVS, holding two boxes of bandages. One was Band-Aid, and the other was the knockoff CVS brand. He held one in each hand, looking back and forth at the boxes.
He knew for sure that the Band-Aids were high quality, but they were expensive. He had four dollars in his wallet, and the Band-Aids were $3.99. The CVS brand seemed okay, but it was a risk. Sometimes offbrand bandages were too flimsy, or stretchy, or came unstuck when he sweated. He wasn’t expressing solidarity to his imprisoned brother if his bandage fell off in the street.
He thought of his brother, sitting alone in a small cell, his body thin but wiry from long prison workouts, the prison uniform loose at his waist and tight across his shoulders.
Nelly hadn’t written a letter in two weeks.
He put the CVS brand bandages back on the shelf and walked to the checkout counter. He set them down firmly, but gently.
“Just these,” Nelly said.
The girl at the counter scanned the bandages. She smacked her gum. “Four twenty-eight,” she said.
Nelly had forgotten about tax.
“Oh no,” he said quietly to himself. He began rummaging through all his pockets, searching for change. “Oh no, oh no, oh no.” ‘
KANYE WEST GOES TO HIS FIRST SKRILLEX CONCERT
Kanye West was wearing a fake fur hat with a bear’s head on it. The hat’s ear flaps looked like little bear arms extending down to little bear hands with mittens for Kanye to put his hands into. The guy who sold it to Kanye outside of the venue had called it a “spirit hood.” Kanye’s hands were in the bear hand mittens. He looked kind of like a rabbit.
Besides his fancy new spirit hood, he was also wearing a neon green t-shirt, neon-yellow short shorts and neon-pink tights underneath them. He’d thought it was a bit much overall, but as he walked through the crowd up to the front, he realized that there was one person and one person only whose approval he needed tonight, and that person was Skrillex. In his heart of hearts, Kanye knew that Skrillex would never judge him.
He looked around to make sure nobody was watching and took a swig from the water bottle full of vodka that he’s snuck past the security people. He grimaced as he swallowed. He was going to have the night of his life.
……And so on. It’s a good time absorber, I’ve found. And you can offer up your services and try your hand at your own tale too!
I’m thinking something with Ms. Banks and Ms. Rihanna (WHAT is Rihanna’s surname??) and Ms. Minaj and Q-tip and Pharrell (though I wouldn’t give him ‘rapper’ status) having a good old…. Poker session. Or something like that. Watch this space.
