I don’t really know what a ‘fvcking schweffe’ is but urban dictionary tells me that a ‘schweff’ (I guess it means the same thing) there are a number of different meanings of the word but essentially they’re a guy who spends 80% of his life trying to score girls but usually failing pretty miserably unless he is targeting fat mingers or massive loose sluts.

However, it’s not failing in the manner that they’ll go and try and chirpse a girl randomly at the club or the bar or whatever and they’ll just get turned down, no, it’s more like that they’ll be at work or uni or whatever and try and chirpse a girl but they won’t have any game so instead of getting laid they’ll just end up hanging out with them all the time and becoming BFF’s. Kinda like a gay best friend, except you’re not gay and you want to get in their pants and everyone who knows you and her probably think that you’re a twat. Or a fvcking schweffe apparently. If you think you might be in this situation, maybe check out the Sick Chirpse Guide to chirpsing girls in college for some advice.

These are probably my two favourite quotes from urban dictionary to illustrate what is meant by the term schweffe:

‘where did you go last night, didnt see much of you’
‘i stayed at a friends’
‘did you stay over at sarah’s?’
‘yeh but nothing happened, but i walked across the room whilst she was on skype to her boyfriend’
‘you massive schweff!!’

and

‘Schweff: Yeah, Katie and I are like best friends. I think she likes me!’

‘Schweff’s Friend: Look mate, she doesn’t like you as in she wants to fvck you. She likes you because you are a schweff.’

So I guess you might expect the Fvcking Schweffes tumblr to feature lots of pictures of guys doing embarrassing things with their female best friends who they’re (un)secretly trying to nail. You know, things like yoga or pilates or hanging out in organic vegan cafes or watching Sex and the City or having a spa day or bullshit stuff like that that no self respecting guy wants to do. Unfortunately you would be wrong but that does seem like a great idea for a tumblr.

Instead it seems to go to the next level kind of, and just feature pictures of guys that I assume are really fvcking posh and rich who look like complete dorks who have only put the pictures they’re featured in up on Facebook to try and look cool and score chicks, or look popular and score lad/banter points with all the other inane lads who are probably constantly checking and refreshing their Facebook feeds so they can find and connect with people who think they might be as rich and/or hilarious as them. The guy who made the tumblr is really funny too and puts in a killer comment too – it’s almost as funny as the time I went to a Vice party and dissed everyone there.

Here’s a selection of my favourites with the original comments but if you want more check out the fvcking schweffes tumblr. Unfortunately it hasn’t been updated since April, but there’s still a lot of material in there that will give you a few lolz.

‘Sometimes in life, you’ve just ignore the carafe and go straight for the fvcking source.’

‘And here concludes the story about how my family colonised Rhodesia.’

‘All routes on this map lead to fvcking banter maate.’

Absolut Prick

Major Schweffe, you sir, are a major schweffe. Dismissed!