“When my mother paid for my expensive college education, I’m pretty sure that the bright future she pictured for me did not include masturbating on the uptown Q train while eating a gyro.”

“Jennifer Landa, MD, author of The Sex Drive Solution for Women, recently suggested women spice up masturbation with a public session only you know about (meaning, you drop a vibrator in your underpants rather than going out in public bottomless). To cover up your orgasm, Landa says to “take a bite of food or sip of a drink at the big moment and exclaim ‘oh!’ about how good it tastes, er, feels.”

“…On the train, I clandestinely turned the vibrator on, but couldn’t figure out a comfortable way to sit because they don’t have helpful pamphlets on the ergonomics of public masturbation. Also, I was dripping tzatziki sauce on my skirt. From somewhere else in the car came the whooping cough of a small child, which oddly enough was not doing it for me sexually.”

“By Union Square, it was working physically, but to have an orgasm you also have to be in The Zone mentally, and I was about eighty miles and one off-road path from The Zone, no matter how hard I tried.”

“I did not have an orgasm. However I finished my gyro, which was actually pretty good, and went to therapy, which went as well as you can probably expect.”

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Okay then. Double standards, anyone? For my next Sick Chirpse piece I think I’ll grab a lamb shish and head onto the Northern Line and find a moderately busy carriage to masturbate in. I probably still wouldn’t be the weirdest person on the train, but I can’t see my explanation that I’m doing it for ‘journalism’ going down too well with the police cavalry that awaits me at the next stop.

I’m not saying I want to masturbate on public transport, I just want assurances that it would be okay for me to do so and write an article about it seeing as it’s okay for Cosmopolitan’s Anna Breslaw.

You can read the full article here.

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