In case you weren’t aware, Lynx has launched a new shampoo.

Of course, you’re bound to be aware – there were parades, a national holiday, women weeping openly with gratitude in the streets – everyone loves Lynx, and a new product is like the second coming of Jesus, except better smelling. (No offense to Jesus, but being dead for the last two millenia can’t work wonders for anyone’s personal hygiene.)

The reality, of course, is that nobody except Lynx is even remotely interested in Lynx. Despite a decades-long marketing effort designed to make people think that Lynx is the raw, sexual musk of the alpha male, irresistible to women of any kind, the reality is that Lynx is a cheap body spray with a weird chemical smell to it, and it’s almost exclusively worn by desperate, gullible fourteen year old virgins.

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Any trip on a public bus around the time the school’s kick out will give you a perfect field test of the properties of Lynx in confined spaces – a dozen acne speckled, hormonal boys wearing enough of it to repel mosquitos, sniffer dogs and vampires, let alone women, will be crammed into an enclosed space and periodically applying more coats of “Africa” in the vain hope that smelling like a chemical spill will serve as a workable alternative to actually talking to the girls they’d like to finger.

It’s safe to say that no adult male wears Lynx products, unless they’ve run out of grown up deodorants and accidentally stumbled on that Lynx gift set an uncaring relative got them for Christmas a few years back.

Nobody in the history of the world has ever pulled because they were wearing cheap body spray. If Johnny Depp came into your office one morning, reeking of Lynx Apollo, all the women would react the same way: “He’s gorgeous, but he smells a bit like my fourteen year old nephew…”

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With this in mind, isn’t it about time the marketing people at Lynx decided to face reality? They may claim that their products are bought by men in their twenties and thirties, but, much like FHM and Maxim, their core clientele is actually about a decade below where they’re aiming.

Why doesn’t Lynx embrace its role and stop trying to convince adults to invest at all? They could have more accurate slogans, like “Lynx: Draws Attention Away From Your Pimples,” or offer more useful, less fanciful advice to desperate teens, like “Lynx: Forget it, she doesn’t even know you’re alive.”

Sadly, if recent ads are anything to go by, the people at Lynx aren’t quite ready to wake up and smell their own awful products just yet. They seem hell-bent on continuing to pretend that their tacky cans of spray-on desperation are going to be purchased by adults, and everyone over the age of seventeen continues to shrug, ignore this ideology, and have sex with actual girls.

But by all means, see if the latest trailer convinces you that your odds of getting laid are better if you use this shampoo.

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SA1k6k1c6x0′]

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