It seems the fashionable thing to do at the moment is report stories about food products that have been found to contain something they shouldn’t have. Usually anything that’s fashionable makes me want to smash my eyes off with stale bread just to avoid all visibility of its rubbishness, but this is a fashion I’m totally in favour of, mainly due to the fact that it’s nice to see a load of companies who have spent the last few decades putting small time suppliers out of business getting a bit of a public beating. That said, the whole horse meat thing has become incredibly old, as is always the way with relentlessly dragged out news stories. I’m frankly sick of hearing about how someone had an uninvited piece of meat thrust into their beef-box. Then there was the dead bird incident, which seemed too good not to be a hoax, but was also a welcome break from the daily equestrian onslaught

☛ More About The Dead Bird Here: Forget Horse – This Guy Found A Whole Dead Bird In His Tesco Salad

But now there’s a new player in town. Shit. In a chocolate cake. Yeah, I don’t know about you but I was kind of cool with the whole horse meat thing, I mean it’s just another slab of grotty meat from another grotty animal, and even the dead bird episode was alright because it’s not like a bird in a salad is inconspicuous or anything. But shit, in a chocolate cake, that just rings alarm bells for me.

Ikea has recently halted the sale of their chocolate almond cake and taken it off the shelves in 23 countries following discovery of faecal coli-forms, which are essentially the same bacteria found in human and animal waste. AKA ‘shit’.

Ikea, clearly feeling defensive after the discovery of horse meat in their meatballs and now shit in their cake were adamant that they had tested their lovely munchable Daim cakes for harmful bacteria but found none, and that the cakes were removed purely because they didn’t meet quality control standards. So what they’re saying is that it’s actually OK to eat shit but seeing as you caught us out we’d better take them off the shelves and send out a reassuring-yet-not-quite-admitting-fault generic message.

☛ Other Ikea Balls-Ups: Saudi Arabia Have Removed Women From Their Latest Ikea Catalogues

I’m trying to predict the next big story. Fosters is actually goat’s piss? Ham is actually made from minced up unwashed arseholes? Most of the food we eat contains some kind of shit we don’t know about because companies are relentlessly trying to hammer down costs at the detriment of quality?

I wait with bated, shitty breath.