Calling all men, do you have an old pair of socks that you should probably have thrown out a few years ago? Have they become more hole than cotton and browned from bodily fluids like a gently marinated steak? Those genetic graveyards of your unborn could be worth their weight in…well, whatever you want to spend it on, but I’m guessing it’s an eighth.

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There has always been a market for unwashed girls underwear (Japan has ‘used panty’ vending machines in fact) but I didn’t know men could also get in on the action until last year when I found myself 3 hours deep into an eBay binge. Up until that point a “scally” to me was just your mate’s mate down the pub that could sort you out with a couple of pirate DVDs and a wrap of baby laxative cunningly disguised as cocaine. Turns out it’s also an entire style choice inspired by working men with a penchant for the chav aesthetic. I’m talking the look of a real mans-man, not afraid to wipe engine oil on his sweater and get his face looking like a plasterers radio.

Under the term scally you can find a veritable cornucopia of sportswear stained with the sepia tone of stale sweat and ripe with the stench of manual labour. The hash burnt tracksuits and shit coloured Reebok trainers don’t move me at all though (unless the photograph looks like a pornographic movie directed by Guy Richie like below) it’s the soiled socks and jockstraps that really captured my imagination.

Now I’m not saying the market is quite as large as the knock-off “OBEY” snapback side of eBay, but some people are making a nice bit of pocket money from this raunchy venture. A quick “scally” search yields about 170 used clothing items, some of which lay un-bid upon, dying in the darkest corners of the site (no-one seems to want Terry’s high vis jacket no matter how many times it is relisted). Do it right though and you will be laughing all the way to the bank. I’ve seen a single pair of football socks making upwards of £25. Shocker!

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Right now I expect you are wondering how to get involved in this deviant trade and stack up some serious P. Well here is a short run through on how to become a Scarface level don at shotting your dirty draws.

1. Acquire garms. This is the easy part, just look behind your radiator, under your bed or if you have your eyes on a bigger prize take a trip to your local football club and pretend you are washing this week’s kit.
2. Filth check. Make sure there is a thick layer of grimy goodness. Obviously the more messed up they are the better the payout, so try and find a dog or two to treat them rough in a field and up the stank levels.
3. Photo shoot. You’re gonna have to wear those socks one last time before you say goodbye, so pull them on along with your finest shell suit. If you don’t have one those then now is the time to buy, with prices at an all time low thanks to Jimmy Saville. You’re gonna want to make sure the photos scream rough and ready. Threatening yet somewhat enticing.
4. Release the inner Mad Men in you and sell sell sell. You essentially need to write an enticing blurb on why your socks are the naughtiest and most scallirific. One thing you cannot omit however is the disclaimer; “This item will be washed prior to sending as per eBays rules” but maybe put a winking smiley after the statement to prove you are a real badass that don’t give a flying f’ about no rules’n’regulations.
5. Prepare for requests. This is where shit might get a bit real. Chances are, people will want to confirm those socks are in fact 100% NOT washed and crustier than a Greggs steak slice. It’s cool though, you have come this far and if a dude wants you to bash off into a sock you can deal with it, right? It’s pretty much all they have been used for recently anyway.
6. Wait for the winning bids to roll in and then post those suckers off
7. ??????
8. PROFIT! Watch as your dirty cotton empire expands like a moistened sponge

The whole prospect of being able to sell my laundry basket rather than have to make the long and treacherous journey to the washing machine excites me. I have here a fool-proof, get rich quick scheme for when times are hard! At the very most it requires a sampling of jizz in a trainer-sock, if this is the modern “gay for pay” everyone should get involved!

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@JacobZinzan