Everything That Is Wrong With Looper In 3 Minutes Or Less

I was really excited when I first saw the trailer for Looper because it had a bunch of my favourite things in one movie – time travel, Rian Johnson, Bruce Willis, Joseph Gordon Levitt – and the trailer made it look like it was going to be completely awesome, even if it did get kinda ruined by somebody putting a blurb on it saying that it was ‘this year’s Matrix.’ I don’t know who provided that blurb but you could pretty much see it was nothing like The Matrix from the trailer and after seeing it – aside from one scene where there was a bit of zero gravity action or something – I can confirm that it was nothing like the Matrix, so in conclusion whoever wrote that blurb is – as I suspected after I first saw it – obviously a moron.

Anyway I went to see Looper with pretty high expectations but it turned out that it completely and utterly sucked. I mean the first hour was pretty good but when Joe Levitt just hightailed it to that house in the middle of the country it just got really boring and stupid and there was like no tension or anything. And all that crap about telekinesis it was like ‘oh yeah, this is going to be important now because we don’t know where the plot’s going so we’re just gonna bring it back after introducing it for about 10 seconds at the start of the movie.’ Bad idea, you suck Looper. I hated it.

After the movie I was talking to a bunch of my friends about how the time travel aspect of it didn’t make any sense at all if you used the rules that the movie itself had established. Obviously time travel is highly conceptual – like Brucie Willis says in the movie ‘I don’t want to talk about time travel, we’ll just be sitting around here with loads of diagrams talking crap,’ which is probably the best part of the movie – but this makes perfect sense to me and nobody else seemed to get it. If you actually want to go and see Looper I suggest you stop reading around now as they’re going to be some spoilers, but if I was you I would probably resolve to never go and see it ever and just read them.

â˜› Watch Next – Joseph Gordon Levitt and Zooey Deschanel Hang Out On New Year’s Eve

Ok basically in Looper whenever anyone goes back in time and does stuff in the past, if something happens to their past self in this time zone it only happens to their future self there and then and hasn’t happened previously. I assume this is because the future self lived their life without having come back, so the events in their past are different because there are two different timelines happening – the original one for the future self, and the one for the past self now when the future self has come back, and these two timelines are different. Does that make sense? So when Joe Levitt scars himself so that he can get a message to his future self IT ONLY HAPPENS RIGHT THEN FOR BOTH OF THEM, and Bruce Willis only gets the scar right then. This doesn’t really make sense but you know, Looper established these rules and it happens a couple of times so I’m rolling with it. Also it’s time travel so nothing really makes sense in it, you’ve always gotta remember that.

So if that’s true then WHY THE HELL DOES THE KID GROW UP TO BE THE RAINMAKER IN BRUCE WILLIS’ TIMELINE? It’s very heavily implied that he grew up to be the rainmaker and hate all loopers because Bruce Willis went back in time and killed his mom. BUT, BY THE RULES ALREADY ESTABLISHED BY LOOPER ITSELF (see above in case you forgot dopey) IN THE FUTURE THAT BRUCE WILLIS GREW UP IN, NOBODY HAD GONE BACK IN TIME YET AND THE KID STILL GREW UP EVIL DESPITE LIVING IN A FOREST ON HIS OWN WITH HIS MOM. SO WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN THE POINT OF ANYTHING IN THE MOVIE? A bunch of people vehemently argued that I was completely wrong with this theory, but I still can’t see it, so please if you can explain it to me leave a comment.

It turns out that some other dudes over at Cinema Sins were even more anal about everything that was wrong with Looper (time travel related or not) and actually made a video where they point out everything that is completely retarded about the movie. And yeah, they do mention the time travel problems that I’ve highlighted, except they do it in a way shorter way than me. In any case it turns out there are a lot of dumb inconsistencies about the movie that I didn’t pick up on at that makes it even worse. I hate you Looper I hope I never have to think about you ever again. I’m also kinda glad that I wrote my explanation down so I never have to recount it to anyone again and have a dumb argument about it, I can just send them here.

Enjoy this video and never watch Looper if you haven’t already, it sucks:

â˜› More Of The Same: I Really Hated Drive