Football, at Sick Chirpse HQ, is one of the four things that we really like. The rest: beer, weed, tits. It’s a pretty simple equation; give us any one of those things and we’ll be pretty happy, but give us all four at once and we’d probably tremble a bit and then have a cardiac arrest. What would be even better about that is, when we’re in the ambulance, if one of the paramedics was a really fit bird (like an emu or a dove or something) and we woke up to a majestic, life-defining view of her cleavage while she tries to save us from our journey into the dusty, molten depths of hell. Yeah, we’d be pretty happy with that. It would be one of the sickest sick chirpses ever and would make your story really shit.

From a personal point of view, even though those four are on my list that I bow down to at any given opportunity, craziness is also on my list. And I know Lazer Horse will agree with me. Crazy broz and crazy bitchez doing crazy things makes my soul ignite with a passion that only Jimmy Savile has felt when he was around young kids. I’m no paedo, but the dead kiddy-fiddler will know that there’s certain types of passion and acts of craziness push me into the sky of passion and leave me gliding on the clouds while the stars whizz and puff around and inside me.

And this is an act of craziness that just cannon-balled me into the sky like an Angry Bird. Japan and Russia are still the most insane creatures in the world, but it seems that Indonesia is really trying to push onto the podium. And that’s because students there play football with a coconut that’s on fire. The hairy milk-bearers (similar to Dawn French’s tits) are soaked in kerosene for two days before being sparked up and kicked around for an hour, and the teams (which are made up of 5 players) go through 6 of the coconuts in a single match. Apparently, it’s related to a traditional Indonesian martial art which sorta makes sense as martial arts can be ballsy as fvck, like this, but the match organiser, Ali Akhyar, says this: “We make a fireball to test the guts of our students.”