Confessions is back! Send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

Let’s go…

CHEWEDBEES

I had a lump in my testicles that turned out to be benign, but to find that out I had to visit my GP who is a tall, slim MILF with glasses. I can’t help but think that her and the nurse that was also present were laughing about my tiny penis afterwards, which shriveled up more than usual because I was feeling insecure about it and also concentrating hard on not getting a boner. That’s life with a small dick for you.

THEMODERNMAN

I once got told no by a girl even after going down on her. She goes to pee then comes back and says “thanks you can go now.” I said can’t you at least wank me off? She said nope, sorry. I asked to use the toilet before I left so I went in there, had a wank into her sink then wiped my dick on her towel and left. Still felt very used though.

CONEHEAD

My girlfriend points out other girls to me walking down the street that aren’t wearing a bra so I don’t miss the titties through their shirts. I think she might be the one.

SAMLP

I’d been picking up from this dealer for about a year and one day for the first time I invited him to chill and have a smoke with me before he left. Anyway somehow politics come up and I shit you not – this guy did not know who Boris Johnson was. I said (trying to hide my shock) “he’s the British prime minister” (at the time). This guy just shrugs and goes “doesn’t affect me man”. Then he started playing me some shit grime songs off his phone. Never again.

IQVAL

I got a handjob from an Essex MILF with long finger nails a few days ago. Kind of hurt, and now I can’t get a boner.

SITTINGUGLY

Back in the 90s one of my mates had an illegal Sky box. If you remember at the time, WWF was the most popular thing going. There’d be like 5 of us watching a WWF PPV and if the match was crap, we’d switch over to Playboy or one of the freeview porn channels. A bunch of teenagers watching grown men in underwear “fight” and then straight up porn. I also used to record all the wrestling during the Attitude Era so my VHS tapes would keep switching between porn and wrestling. Was very challenging to wank to these tapes later, last thing I wanted was to finish as Stone Cold Steve Austin popped up on the screen.

SPEEDY12

I made a terrible decision at 4am while drunk walking home telling a group of homeless people to “sort your lives out you homeless f***s”. They chased me all over Canterbury and then kicked the sh*t out of me, ripped up my jacket and one even p*ssed on me a little bit. Definitely the lowest point of my life

BRICKTAMLIN

My office has a revolving door at the entrance and every time I pass through it I try to time a nasty coffee fart in the part I walk through. It’s usually busy so I know the next person coming through those doors has a 1 in 5 chance of being trapped with the smell of my arse. It’s the little things that get you through the day.

ELLIOTT

I last less than a minute at sex even when I’m wearing a condom. What gives?

IGOTKNOCKEDTHEFOUT

The first time I got into a real fight I swung a kick so hard that both my feet went flying off the ground and I ended up cracking my head on the concrete. Flawless victory for the other guy and he didn’t even have to do anything.

GLOOMYGUY

I lost an arm wrestle to my 14 year old nephew yesterday (I’m 35). I also hurt my back doing it. Life comes at you fast.

SO LONG

My really fit lesbian next door neighbour just moved out and I’m gutted. Hope another cool/fit lesbian moves in to replace her

IUIUIUIU

Whenever I pick up McDonald’s on Friday I get an extra cheeseburger and box of chicken nuggets for myself which I eat on the drive home. Then before I get home I dump the evidence in the bin outside so my girlfriend doesn’t moan about me eating more than I need (yes I’m fat)

[no name]

One night when I was younger, I joined a couple for a MFM threesome. I let the other guy give me a blowjob because he really wanted to. It was the worst, most disappointing blowjob I ever had, but I said it was amazing as I didn’t want to appear homophobic.

MRUKELELE

I was a pretty big nerd in school. In my first week of uni I had my first kiss, first blowjob, first feel of tits and lost my virginity all on the same day. I still can’t believe it.

NOTHANKS

I once told a fat bird I was gay to get out of shagging her. I was already knuckle deep in her when I realised that I wasn’t gonna be able to do it.

IMDAVID

When I was about 8 my dad told me that Japanese people were half fish half human. I said it out loud in class and the teacher destroyed me in front of everyone. I was so baffled I started crying. Never dawned on me my dad was just taking the piss.

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You are forgiven! See you next Friday.

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).