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Let’s go…

FELIPE_

A few years ago I was drunk on my laptop, came across a hateful anti-male Facebook page and did what any drunk 20 year old would do — wrote the admin a drunk message . Anyway, admin ended up sharing my drunk message with all her followers, who proceed to get in touch with my university and employer with messages about me harassing them (I may have called them cock-starved feminist slags in one section of the message). Anyway long story short, I lost my job and had to delete my Facebook and all social media profiles because I was still getting abuse 3 weeks later from pissed off feminazis. Lesson learned.

FLUSH

I prefer wanking off to ugly girls in porn because it feels like they might actually give me the time of day in real life.

BUTTLOOPER

Remeber one time in a club some woman slapped my arse. I did a whole loop of the club to get another one instead of just turning around. It didn’t happen in the second loop and it’s one of my biggest regrets.

SYNTHETIKHUMAN

I can’t pee at urinals if there’s a black guy standing next to me

CHALKY

I was on a date a few months ago whilst suffering from a stomach upset. I went to the toilet just to piss, but whilst doing so rather spectacularly shat my pants. I shuffled over to the cubicle, cleaned myself up as best I could, and removed said pants. With no other way to dispose of them, I lifted the lid of the cistern and left the defiled item in there. I returned to the date.

VCCIDHALE

Once in Portugal I shagged a prostitute from Mali. One thing which was a first for me was that she was circumcised and only had the remnants of a clit left. Barbaric practice, but she told me she still had sensations and could orgasm, which under prolonged attack from my tongue and fingers, she did (or at least pretended to).

I used to bully the short kid in my class until one day he came to school taller this me. I swear this motherf***er grew 5 inches in one summer. Over the next few years he kept growing while I peaked at 5’9. He’s such a nice guy he never even pointed it out. And that’s why I believe in karma.

PEDRINO82

Yesterday I left my house to go to work and my neighbour was getting a pizza delivered at like 830am. I’ve never been more jealous of anyone in my life.

BIFFKENNINGTONIII

I had a wank in the shower the other day right before my wife tried to surprise me with a BJ. She tried for about 5 minutes to try get me hard and couldn’t, she looked like a bird trying to pull a worm out of the ground. I tried but just couldn’t get hard and eventually had to tell her the true reason. Let’s just say she’s wasn’t impressed

XAH

Haemorrhoids are ruining my life

SHITTITS

On holiday in Thailand and my mate decides to ring his mum and tell her that were in hospital with broken bones and then we went to sleep. Woke up to a call from the foreign office asking if I was alive and my family hadn’t slept all night and were ringing hospitals to see if we were there. Completely not my fault but still feel like a c**t

BRYSON

I never realised how ugly I was until I got Tinder, Bumble and Happn and can’t get a match to save my life.

LECHUCK

Went to my school reunion last summer and ended up talking to a former girl’s basketball champion who was a couple years older than me. I remember going to some of her games when I was like 13. Anyway at the end of the night she’s quite drunk and comes up to me and says “you know we could f*** if you want”. She’s taller than me and her face isn’t the best so I didn’t go through with it. Now I think about it, I should have though. Looked her up the other day, she’s playing professional basketball in Russia

LAXADAISACAL

I’ve had my phone on silent for nearly two years

WITTY USERNAME

Tried banging my flatmate last night, she was horrified. Think I’ll stay in my room until this blows over or I’m asked to leave.

LITTLEHAWK

My girlfriend put the tip of her finger in my bum during a blowjob the other day…  Told her to go deeper and felt extremely gay for saying it. But then she pushed half her finger in there and I came like a fucking fountain. Highly recommended.

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You are forgiven! See you next Friday.

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).