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Let’s go…

ATTATURK

After school we used to run a Fight Club and because I was small I was forced to fight this Turkish girl who was the toughest girl our year (and probably the whole school). Long story short I kicked the f*ck out of her. Didn’t want to but snapped after she punched me in the lip. Wrestled her to the floor and ground and pound till people broke it up. They weren’t even mad at me, that’s how tough this girl was.

MACCIESWHORE69

I used to be morbidly obese, now I’m just obese and everyone congratulates me for it. I feel like a fraud, I’ve still got tits.

NOTGAY

I have a theory that if you wank to enough straight porn you eventually start to want something extra. I haven’t gone full gay yet but I gone from watching exclusively straight porn to watching shemale porn to recently starting femboy porn. It’s not gay because it’s the feminine aspect I am attracted to.

NOTTSCARLY

I love my parents so much but talking to them on the phone is absolute torture

ANONEMOUSE

When I was around 13 the internet was yet to go mainstream so I was stuck wanking to Playboy magazines and late night TV. Anyway, for ages I had this one magazine I’d constantly wank off to. After a few months I got bored of wanking over the same girls so I tried to make things interesting by writing perverted stories about the girls in the pictures. I wrote stuff so disgusting I can’t even share it here. I would then rip the stories up and put them in the bin because my parents would have probably put me in a mental home if they found and read them

RIP_D

My diet generally consists of kebabs, crisps and sweets and I cannot remember the last time I ate a salad. I drink one actimel a day which fools me into thinking I’m being healthy.  I genuinely don’t expect to live past 50.

BRUNO

My dog loves everyone but growls when he spots one particular guy at the bus stop outside our window. Dodgy looking guy in a flat cap. I’ve been seriously considering following him one day as I’m sure my dog has sensed something very wrong about him

FDOR1031

My girlfriend has a male friend who whatsapps and FB messages her all the time. She’s known him since 1st year of uni, they were in the same engineering module (my girlfriend is a huge engineering nerd). He’s an awkward Chinese kid who blatantly has a crush on her. My girlfriend deals with it as obviously they hang out in the same circle of nerd friends. I’m not intimidated by the guy, but it’s kinda weird dating the girl of his dreams. I feel like the villain who’s with the girl at the beginning of a romcom and then the beta male steals her away. Except this isn’t a movie MIKEY

WINDOW CLICKER

one night i woke up in the middle of the night as i heard my neighbours having sex. i whacked off to the sounds of her groaning before self-righteously bemoaning them the next day to my mother and girlfriend.

SOMEDUDE

Sadly I could not find a way to change this hot girl’s flat tire when she called me over for help in the car park. She was giving me the eyes the whole time too until I couldn’t get the bolts off because there was no wrench. I went home put a universal wrench in my car and can now replace a tire faster than a grand prix pit crew if the situation rises again.

CAULIIFLOWERDAVE

I used to fake taking a shower when I was a kid. I’d just run the water for a bit and sprinkle a little bit on my hair. Too much effort washing everywhere and getting dried up afterwards.

THE PATIO

I’m in the military and I was deployed to Senegal. I was at a bar one evening and this prostitute named Mimi propositioned me. We negotiated at price and she took me to her place. When we got there, we first went to an upstairs apartment where this guy was sitting on the floor with a velvet bag in his lap. He opened the bag and he pulled out a dreamcatcher. She told me that is her brother and he makes them. I was like okay this is weird. I nailed her bedroom downstairs and then she showed me pictures of her daughter. It was a bizarre experience.

UNLOVED PEANUT

Sometimes when I’m done pooping I come back in 15 for a rewipe

JCHAMPZ

Everyone once in a while, I panic, and check my pockets for my keys. Only to realise I’m driving my car

MANDY

I took mdma for the first time in years last night and it was amazing. This comedown is absolutely ridiculous though, I totally remember why I stopped doing it.

MERC

I kicked the sh*t out of my neighbour’s Mercedes and stole the little Mercedes symbol thing off the bonnet for no reason

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You are forgiven! See you next Friday.

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).