Confessions is back! Send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

Let’s go…

madkat

I swore I would never be one of those losers who pays for OnlyFans. I caved because a girl I knew from school (like 10 years ago) made an account. Had to catch a glimpse of those monster titties! Curiosity got the better of me.

HOLYMACK

Years ago I skyped a girl who I met on Okcupid. She talked me into getting naked on camera and having a wank but was sending me naked pics of herself via chat since her ‘camera didn’t work’. I realised about 20 seconds after the skype call ended that there was a 99.9% chance I’d been catfished. I haven’t chatted to the person since but I’m pretty sure she/he filmed me and put me on the internet. So if anyone comes across a video of a lanky white guy with a tiny dick wanking on pornhub, it’s probably me.

co178738so

We got a new transgender intern in our IT department and our 60 year old Nigerian caretaker keeps perving on her and making flirty remarks. I don’t think he has a clue.

UhYeah

Freshers year of uni we got back to our halls at like 2am and a few of us were blackout. Apparently we dragged the vending machine from the common room to the elevator, smashed the glass and stole all the snacks out of it. When I woke up my entire room was covered in crisps and chocolate wrappers, it was like a wild animal had broken in. Can’t believe we were never caught, but it made me LOL going to class the next day and seeing the vending machine in the elevator. The snacks lasted for weeks!

BROWNIE

Last night after a marathon gaming sesh I considered waking up my GF for sex. Instead I silently wanked off into a tissue as she slept. That’s what you call a considerate boyfriend.

HOFFER90

I work at a small pub not far from where I live. One day an absolute MILF came in and as I was making her drink she was going on about how great it was to get away from her husband and kids for once. I swear she was coming onto me but I didn’t have the guts to follow through with it so just went and wanked off to her in the toilet instead. Disappointing story, sorry.

[NO NAME]

Not wanting to bother the plasterers who were plastering my stairs, I was desperate for a poo so I went into my garage and shat in a bucket

[NO NAME]

I wish my girlfriend enjoyed doing cowgirl rather than acting like she’s doing me a favour each time

MACCIESWHORE69

I used to be morbidly obese, now I’m just obese and everyone congratulates me for it. I feel like a fraud, I’ve still got tits.

MY CONFESSION

I was running up the stairs at my girlfriend’s house and smashed my toe against the stairs, screaming in pain and taking far too long to fully recover. Her dad now thinks I’m the biggest p*ssy on Earth and don’t know what manly act I’m going to have to commit to make it up to him

PUREE445

Woke up in my own bed after a heavy night to find a hot, but fully-clothed girl curled up sleeping next to me. I had no idea who she was. I got up and went to take a major piss and when I came back she was gone. I never even saw her again. When I asked my friends later they all said they couldn’t remember me meeting/talking to a girl that night. Weird.

BUD00K

When I was a teen I stole a passport I found at the post office mailing something for my mum. Instead of handing it in there or police I went to the nearest kebab shop and asked the Turkish guys behind the counter if they were interested in buying it (no idea why I thought they would be). They started screaming at me and I’ve never ran from anywhere that fast in my life.

CMAJA

I’m jealous of my mates who had dads growing up

NOFAGSFORME

I quit smoking after I found out it shrinks your penis, one month without a smoke and I’ve gone from 5 inches to 5 and 1/4! Hopefully the little fella ain’t done growing yet

MYSTERY_MAN

I discovered Sick Chirpse years ago after you wrote an article slating me and my girlfriend (as if I’m going to tell which one cunts) and shamefully still read to this day

JOBLOW

I’m fairly certain I have hemorrhoids but am too afraid/disgusted/embarrassed to verify it so I just live with an uncomfortable bumhole.

BBBOY

My girlfriend used to let me have sex with her bareback and even cum inside her, now she insists I wear a condom every time because she doesn’t want to be on the pill.  I know it’s awful to say but it’s really getting me down and I resent her for it. She’s changed…

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You are forgiven. See you next Friday.

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).