Confessions is back! Send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

Let’s go…

bigolfatso

When I’m facetiming with my girlfriend and feel a fart coming, I’ll secretly mute myself and rip one as loud as possible as I stare right at her.

madillac

Should I bang a GILF? Small, blonde estate agent I work with. Funny old minx probably 35-40 years older than me. She has a twinkle in her eye like she wants to but I’m scared of what she might look like naked and by then it will be too late. Might let her give me a blow job instead.

noworries

When I was 17 I broke my leg while tripping on acid. Told my parents I was jumping on a trampoline and had an accident. For 15 years whenever my dad saw or heard about a trampoline he would say “careful, my son broke his leg on one of those!”. Last year I finally told him the truth, I’m 30 now.

under_pressure

When I was 21 I wore a whole suit for an interview at the local supermarket. I was desperate asf. The man didn’t even bring me into an interview room. He interviewed me standing up in one of the isles and then said he’ll let me know (he never did). I walked out of there with 0 pride.

littlecuz

When I was 13 I stayed round my cousin’s house (fit as f***, 18) and while she was in the shower snuck into her closet. When she came back in I peered through the gaps and wanked as she dryed herself and changed. She opened the closet and screamed in horror as I ran off trying to play it off like a prank. No regrets.

fancyrhino

Near the end of uni I got around campus on a bike. Mind you, the bike was probably 20 years old at the time and was passed down a generation to me. I was riding through campus while it was pretty empty, and noticed a girl in front me who looked attractive from behind. I slowed down as I went passed her and started pedaling standing up to show off my form. Well as I got about 10 metres in front of her, my pedal snapped off and I went tumbling over the handlebars. As I’m laying there, the girl comes up to me and looks like she’s going to offer her support. Instead she was handing me my pedal and said “I think this is yours” and walked away. Easily the lowest point of my life.

darkie jr

Asked my girlfriend if I could wank off in her mouth. Her reply? “This isn’t a porn film”. FML.

unboxed

I try to plan fun things for me and my GF to do but we never really enjoy the experience because I just become her personal photographer documenting everything for Instagram. Are there any girls who are not like this?

pikawoo

My girlfriend’s new car (Subaru) has an app where you can track the location of the car on a map. I’ve been using it alot when I get home before her so I know how much time I have to watch porn. We have it so easy these days…

dagnynotts

One night I did really good mdma with a tequila girl in a club after she split it with me. After a few hours of intense dancing she ended up coming back to my place because I lived right near the club. She took complete control and we banged all night rolling on mdma the whole time. It was singlehandedly the greatest sexual experience (and maybe night) of my entire life.

cptkarld

I fart way too frequently in crowded rooms

jakey

As a teenager, I wrote “cock” on a mate’s forehead in marker pen then woke him up to go to the shop. Very juvenile, but there was a long queue and everybody had noticed. Nobody said a word until he clocked himself on a security camera and about 10 complete strangers erupted into laughter.

00000000

My girlfriend’s mum will be sleeping on an air mattress outside our bedroom for a full week starting tonight. Wish me luck guys.

MEGABUM

Once I was coming back from visiting a girlfriend in glasgow on a megabus over night, her mum had made me this dog awful chilli (she boiled the mince)…it smelt so gross. Anyway after I finished the boiled mince and undercooked rice I got on the megabus. About 3am I woke up as I need to be sick fast BOTH ENDS. I destroyed the toilet, like it looked like a bomb hit it. No one on the coach was awake..about an hour after my fight with the bog and old woman went in the toilets and freaked out massively. The coach pulled over and the driver was questioning everyone to figure out who did it. When it was my turn I basically grassed in a drunk Scottish guy who was asleep at the back of the bus….the driver kicked him off the coach. Don’t regret it

Paranoidandroid

I’m scared of ever spending too much time alone in case I have a stroke or drop dead and there’s no one there to help me.

mercynuts

Sometimes I intentionally put typos in texts to seem more casual

[no name]

My biggest college/uni regret is not shagging all the girls I possibly could. Turned down a bunch of 4s and 5s I would happily boink now. 

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See you next Friday, you bunch of freaks.

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).