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Let’s go…

the shrimp

Took a girl home when I was hammered and couldn’t get hard so basically had “sex” with my limp, pathetic noodle. Saw her a couple weeks later at the same bar and convinced her I could do better. Unfortunately I did not learn my lesson and got too drunk again which meant = noodle dick, the second coming. Except nobody came and this time she just got up and left while telling me what a timewaster I was.

bigdaddycool

I still have songs I downloaded from Limewire and Kazaa on my current phone. Transferred from PC to laptop to ipod to every smartphone I’ve ever had over like 20 years.

tone

I’ve tried to break up multiple times with my girlfriend but she just refuses to leave. I convince myself I’m giving her another chance every time but the truth is I don’t know how to get rid of her. She doesn’t have the self-respect to leave even when I’m being nasty/truthful to her to try and make her see we’re not working. What am I supposed to do when she refuses to leave my flat? Call the police? I’ve already called her mum and she won’t help me either. I think there’s like a 15% chance this girl could kill me in my sleep too if she realises it’s truly over. I’m stuck and don’t know what to do.

martiras

My non-binary little brother has chosen to study Gender Studies at university (go figure). I tried to talk him out of it by telling him it’s a useless degree since challenging his personal views is a waste of time. It’s too late though. My dad is inconsolable.

Puke

I used to puke all the time during pre-drinks at uni. I was literally known around campus as Puke.

DISKREET

Sometimes I’ll go to the toilet and wipe my arse and there’ll be a bit of poop on the tissue even though I haven’t had a shit that day.

MRVANILLA

My girlfriend wouldn’t let me bang last night so I wanked off to her slutty friend’s IG.

CHUMP

I once blagged a free taxi ride from town by telling the driver I was an undercover policeman and needed to get to a police station. It worked and I got a free ride…to a police station nowhere near my house. I also threw up all over the front of this random police station. I had to walk further home from this police station than I would have if I just walked from town

LOVERORA

My girlfriend wiped my ass for me when I was blackout drunk and shat myself. What a girl.

JACKSHT

When I was about 13, me and my best mate used to order porn with my dad’s credit card, then set up the sofa pillows between us and wank in the darkness. Much later on I realised my dad definitely saw the charges on his card each time, but credit to him he never said a word about it. Dads are awesome.

JOHNNY SQUAREHEAD

Since the hot new girl started working at the office it’s made getting up to go to work so much easier. I actually look forward to Mondays now even though I’ve said about 3 words to her in 3 weeks and there’s a 0.001% chance I’ll ever get to bang her.

INZANITYDOG

I remember not giving a fuck about politics and wish I was still like that

BUBBLEWRAP

My dog killed a hedgehog down the park the other day and it was honestly the most traumatising moment of my life. Nature is disgusting.

HENRICKSHOCKWAVE

I’ve got loads of tiny little pus-filled bumps all around my scrotum and the base of my dick and I have no idea if it’s normal.

WYRELESS

There was a girl at my school who everyone was practically in love with. One day I stole her bra out of her sports bag, took it home, and wore it on my head while I had a wank. Another time I wrapped it round my dick and did the same. Then I got paranoid and cut it up and threw it in the bin. I was a weird kid.

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See you next Friday, you bunch of weirdos!

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).