Oh yes – Sick Chirpse is back and so is Confessions every Friday. Just note the Confessions box is broken so you’ll have to send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous and we apply the username you provide us.

Let’s go…

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roseambeau

I work with a guy, great guy, who is about 6’2 and good looking to boot. Humble and funny too. When we go out to lunch women stare at him like he’s their next conquest. I wish I could look like him for just 24 hours. Must be nice.

tr1ll

Really enjoyed Squid Game so far… but does anyone else have a problem deciphering which character is which?

mightymo

I was the best man at a wedding recently. At the bachelor party, the groom ate out, barebacked and came in the stripper (in front of all us). Pretty amazing to think his wife will probably never find out about that.

come 2 far

I might quit my job if they ask us to go back into the office full-time.

notabadguy

When I was 16 I was at house party where this weirdo from our school had got drunk with us for the first time. He was completely out of it and somehow ended up shirtless on the floor while about 6 boys (including me) took our belts off and whipped him violently for about 20 seconds non stop. It was total carnage but at the time the funniest thing ever. He woke up with welts all over his body and we were legit worried he’d come into school and kill us the next week. He was cool about it in the end though.

barryboy

My wife gets really annoyed that I hug the dog when I get back from work before even addressing her. I don’t really see the problem…

ChebBush

I hosted a post-club house party the other week and after all the other guests had left there was just me and a chunky girl known for her promescuity left alone in my apartment. I literally hadn’t had sex in 12 whole months (I’m a ginger) so even though I wasn’t attracted to her I thought ‘fuck it’ and led her to my bedroom. However, knowing that I cannot maintain an erection when using condoms, I opted out of actually penetrating her for fear of the likelihood that she had a venereal disease.  So instead I just sucked her tits and used my Liberace esque pianist fingers to have her gushing like The Thames Estuary until she orgasmed without having her return the favour in any way shape or form. After she had climaxed and was fast asleep I went to the living room, waited ten minutes and then pretended I had a call from an agency about some last minute temp work that same morning so I could make her leave. She was furious when I woke her up and immediately sent her packing but I didn’t give a flying fuck because I had my bed back to myself and could have a wank to some Step Mother porn in peace.

young sparky

I came home from Tescos the other day and ran straight to the bathroom. I ripped off my jeans and sprayed faeces all over the wall, floor, toilet. It took half an hour to clean it all up. Really gotta lay off the curries.

Grex

I disgust myself with the girls I match on Tinder when I’m drunk. I’m talking actual gargoyles. Then I get drunk again and start chatting them up, what the fuck is wrong with me…

SecretHomo

Got gay with one of my best mates, haven’t openly talked about it, we both said we can’t remember the night but I’m pretty sure we can, it was weird and he’s got a girlfriend

Partypooper

Last week at a party some stuck up bitch was showing off about her new designer shoes. Anyway as the party carried on, I noticed she had left them in the hall so I took one to the bathroom and dunked it down the toilet. Mean but if you’d have met this bitch you would get it.

joesmoe

My dog tackled a 12 year old at the park. The kid was running screaming “Mum! Mum”” (nowhere to be seen) and my dog just went for it and brought him down. Thankfully he just started licking the shit out of his face instead of mauling him to death. Had me scared for a second.

gonna_be_a_nun

The guy I’ve been dating, who was telling me he was so keen and into me, dumped me yesterday. By text. With an excuse so lame I can’t even type it. Since I split with my last ex (18 months ago now) I’ve had a string of failures or guys just too nice who I’m never interested in. It’s getting really, really tiresome. Honestly thinking that at the grand old age of 29 I’m gonna be single forever now. Facebook just rubs salt in the wounds, every time I log on someone else is pregnant/engaged/married/showing off their happy relationship, kids or latest life successes. I’ve unfollowed so many people I may as well delete it, it’s just full of cat memes and weird art. Such is life.

RiskyViewing

I live in mortal fear that I will accidentally press the share button on porno vids, why the fuck is that thing even there?

Mummyissues

The other day my girlfriend came round my house and my mum started talking about embarrassing stories from when I was young. Things took a dark turn when she started talking about the time when I was five and she walked into her room to find me with her tights on and a boner. I genuinely think my gf’s contemplating breaking up with me now. Cheers mum.

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[Reminder – the Confessions box is permanently broken, send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous!).

See you next Friday!