The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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brasswallet

I went home with a woman in her late 40s (I was 22 at the time) and when we got to hers her 15 year old son was still awake. He had a go at her from the top of the stairs about being drunk and being a shit mum while I sat on the couch pretending I couldn’t hear him. I’d love to say I did the right thing and left but there was no way I wasn’t having sex with her. Still felt bad for the kid though

mischiveouscamp

I lied about having Covid to miss my girlfriend’s mum’s birthday party. I even faked a positive test by pouring Coke on a lateral flow test because I knew my girlfriend would ask to see proof. It really works!

Vicesq

I was at a mate’s house party, so drunk that I was conked out face first in the garden. My friends thought it’d be funny to tell this girl there (a soft 5) that I thought she was fit and was waiting for her in the garden. Anyway she actually came outside and started shaking me to wake me up and eventually I accepted her assistance, not knowing what was going on. Got up, went inside, she ended up playing with and sucking my limp penis till I fell asleep.

wizchic

The other day I pushed so hard while taking a poo I literally began seeing stars

Underground king

My opinions on politics are based entirely on what people I trust think because I personally have no clue about what’s going on.

Chapseye88

I got with a Chinese girl once who pulled my boxers down, started laughing and went “oooh, so big!”. I’m barely 6 inches so I still don’t know if she was being sarcastic or thought I was big because she’s Chinese and only ever seen little ones

hypnobob

I love having sex with condoms because they allow me to last longer than 2 minutes

Flash

I’m 22 years old and have already given up on my dream to be a pilot. In a weird way I feel like I’m ahead of the game since most people don’t give up on their stupid dreams until they’re married with kids

Cox

I spent all of Monday pissed off because you guys clearly had the day off so there was no The Best And Worst Tinder Profiles And Conversations In The World article this week.

comptonschool

I’m a secondary school teacher, and every time a student’s giving me trouble or slacking on their work I start calling them “extra barbecue”. When they eventually ask why I’m calling them “extra barbecue” I say if they don’t sort their shit out then the only job they’ll be able to get is at McDonald’s, and so I’m telling them from now I want extra barbecue sauce with my chips.

It shuts them up 100% of the time.

brizzo

I get nervous whenever I open the web browser on my phone around others because I can never remember whether I closed the previous night’s porno

jnnmalone

I met a boy at uni who is fit, sexy, funny… and conspicuously out of my league! We got intimate and that’s when I found out why — he has a colostomy bag because of a medical problem. Not the biggest of turn ons but he’d showered me with so much attention and was so sweet (and otherwise hot) that I still slept with him

BC Lover

I once really fancied a guy in work and eventually got to sleep with him. I was so dissapointed by his tiny nob (I could fit his cock and balls in my mouth, and I don’t have a very big mouth) that when we got back to work on the Monday I asked to be transfered to a different department so I would never have to see him again.

Geffrey

I spelt my middle name wrong until I was like 13 and had no clue until the teacher spoke to my parents about it

Nv_513

Tried anal once and still can’t get rid of the haunting smell following me around. Never again.

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[Note – the Confessions box appears to be broken, send your confessions in at [email protected] or at the Facebook page – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous).

See you next Friday!