The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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Snow White

I shagged a girl who was a borderline dwarf. I don’t know exactly how tall she was but not much over 4ft and I’m 6’2”. Took her up the arse and never called her again. Fast forward a few years and I’m taking my daughter to see Santa and guess who was one of his elves.

stefan

My girlfriend Facetimes me all the time and it’s really fucking annoying. Often mid wank as well. 

dshort

I routinely take shits that are bigger than my dick

francois

Wasted in Bangkok took a petite Thai hooker back to my apartment and realised too late I’d picked up a ladyboy. I was off my tits so thought fuck it played with her willy a bit and gave it a little suck and didn’t hate it tbh. Bit salty but otherwise fine. She did say I gave the worst BJ she had ever had though

andycho

I lasted 90 seconds in the sack the other day. My girlfriend gave me a pat on the back and quickly rolled over and fell asleep. What a sense of accomplishment!

Tomgghost

I was on my lunch break when an old lady (well about 65) waved me over the road and asked if I could help pull her keys out of her car’s ignition because they were stuck. I pulled it out in one try. Then she said can I help start her car because it wasn’t starting. I said OK and tried to start her car but sure enough it was dead. I told her it’s not starting and she didn’t say anything, just kept staring at me with this weird mix of hope and desperation. It got weird and I didn’t know what else to do so I just said “sorry” and walked away.

mystery_man

I discovered Sick Chirpse years ago after you wrote an article slating me and my girlfriend (as if I’m going to tell which one cunts) and shamefully still read to this day

#sav

When I was about 12 my dad brought home one of those electric massage things that you strap to your abs and supposedly work them out for you as you go about your day. Anyway I used to strap the pads to my dick and had some really awkward wanking sessions with it.

greezystoner

I have smoked weed every single day for the last 10 years

SpaceInvader

There’s a rumour my girlfriend got dp’d and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Nofagsforme

I quit smoking after I found out it shrinks your penis, one month without a smoke and I’ve gone from 5 inches to 5 and 1/4! Hopefully the little fella ain’t done growing yet

Ihatemyself

When I was 18 (I’m 27 now), I went to visit my best friend at his uni halls in a different city. One of his flatmates was a really hot art school girl and asked me if I had a girlfriend, I said no. We all went out and got shitfaced at the student union and me and this girl were all over each other all night. We ended up ditching the group and headed back to their flat and had sex. On the train home the next day I added her on Facebook, knowing that she could clearly see that I was in a relationship and had been for over a year…
Never gave a shit about it until a few months ago where I suddenly realised how bad it was and literally cried myself to sleep every night for a few weeks.

jasons ghost

Took LSD amongst friends few years back. Did circles around my flat for 5 hours straight after they left. Paranoia, shame and guilt.

Nothavingsex

I haven’t had sex in so long, I think I’ve grown another hymen

DeNs

During a 3am fire alarm at uni I thought I would liven things up for all the zombies around me by climbing up a tree with my shirt off. Managed it but slipped on the way down and scraped a disgusting amount of skin off my chest and arms. One of the firemen said “you idiot, you deserve that”. He was right I suppose.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!