The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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benn

Sometimes when I fancy a girl working at the till in any shop I touch her hand when giving my credit card to see if there’s a connection

barred

Spent almost seven years of study to become a lawyer. Got caught using my dad’s travel card and taken to court because they couldn’t determine how long I had been using his travel card. Long story short I will never be able to practice law because of the crime of using my dad’s travel card and ending up in court and breaking the lawyer’s oath of honesty. Seven years down the drain.

Bliff Packham

Im just going to say it, you really love baiting people. Chris Packham didn’t say he made out with a fox, he said he put food in his mouth for it to get. Probably perfectly innocent (if not weird as fuck). He has done a shit load for animals and nature, what the fuck have you lot done?

Mnaem

I saw two punks in Camden sitting on the floor holding a sign saying ‘Get a punk drunk £1 per photo”. They didn’t look homeless, just a pair of losers who don’t want to work. Really wanted to kick the shit out of them

Pro_tosser

Something’s wrong with me but I’m getting off on the fact that I’m being paid to wank while i work from home

Cbdm1937

My girlfriend called a break on our relationship because I snapped and told her that just for one weekend I want to be alone with my weed and PS4 and relax on my own. Sometimes I really miss being a 12 year old who’d never seen a vagina before.

Lassie

Me and my girlfriend of 5 years split up a month ago. I’ve spent more time thinking about how much I miss my dog than her

nonameshame

I broke my leg on a kids trampoline last summer, spent 4 weeks full of tramadol and codeine and weed. Watched all of entourage, House and breaking bad. also managed at least 3 wanks per day and actually got bored of xvideos.com. I now have slight limp but it was a great 8 weeks, paid too. I’m 37

butt_sweat

When I was 16 I beat up three 11 years olds at a skate park to look hard in front of some girls. I made the mistake of hanging arround to soak up the glory and eventually one of their brothers came with a baseball bat which he didn’t need because he was already older and hencher than me. Amazingly he didn’t beat me up but forced me to say sorry to all three of them one by one then picked up my skate board and threw it over a fence. It really shamed me more than getting beaten up tbh. I never picked on anyone ever again.

Blue Peter

I once came so hard during a blowjob that the girl coughed and shot jizz out of her nostrils.

dickface

When I tip the collection boxes at takeaways and bossman isn’t looking I always make sure it makes a noise so he hears it

Joela

I got a haircut from a gay Portuguese man this week and I feel like he was being too sensual with the way he was massaging my hair like he was trying to turn me on or something. Not to marginalise sexual assault but I feel like it was a little bit

Ljm346

When I was at uni I hooked up with this girl who’s probably the hottest girl I’ve ever been with. I don’t know how my lines were working so well but I was at peak confidence. We have some drinks then on the way home we walk past her apparently ex boyfriend and his friends and she tries to make him jealous by kissing me in front of him. He just walked past and said “have fun mate” and winked at me. Get to hers, have drunk sex, nothing special. About three weeks later I got to the doctor because I’ve bumps on my dick. Herpes and chlamydia. I learnt my lesson, but fuck her and fuck him for not saying something

123456

I truly think I’m slightly retarded or autistic and have just gone through 25 years of life without anyone realising it

Peter S

After being married a few years when I remember things I did with girls at university, it sometimes feels like I imagined it all

Sad lonely existence

Girlfriend has gone away for 3 days. I have just bought one of those massive pizzas from Costco and plan to scoff it while rubbing one out to 26 girls from Backroom Casting Couch. 1 for every letter of the alphabet. Been looking forward to this for months.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!