Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #208

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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redd

I can’t have sex with athletic girls because my penis won’t fit in the good positions

9puzzle

Got raped by a “big” girl at uni. Admittedly I was so drunk I brought her back to my room but I fell asleep after munching half a kebab. I woke up with her aggressively wanking my cock trying to get me hard. She then jumped on and rode my flaccid penis while I mumbled jibberish at her. I remember asking what she was doing and telling her to “just go home”. The rest is a blur but I also remember her eating the rest of my kebab before she left #metoo

jetoutlaw

My GF’s dad is currently in hospital and its not looking good. He hates my guts and the feeling is mutual. Wouldn’t say I feel too bad about it, but there is some guilt there.

tristan

I shagged a girl who literally dumped her boyfriend over the phone as she was on the way home with me.

jerri67

I often take dumps that are bigger than my dick

WL

I work at a funeral home. One time I went to someone’s house to pick up a ‘client’. He died alone, and his dog had eaten his entire nose, both eyes and one ear. I can’t get that image out of my head.

Donttryme

I have to quit smoking weed for my new job. Being an adult sucks.

silent plopper

I’m so embarrassed about people hearing me pooing at work that every time I poo I wrap my hand in toilet roll, catch the poo and gently drop it into the water to avoid any loud splashy sounds

johndur

I jerk off every time I take a shower, probably for about 5 years straight. It’s got to the point that just the sound of running water gives me a semi

Wincest

I’d fuck my aunt if she offered it.

1shot1kill

I spend a long time playing an iPad sniper game and always try to make the victims pile up with a gunshot wound in their arses so it looks like they bummed each other to death. I’m 30 and a chartered accountant

bustedfc

The other night my girlfriend got home from drinking wine with her girlfriend and I fucked her like a savage through a hole I ripped in her tights then came on her belly button/shirt. The best part is she wants to make this a regular thing

theredhood

In school when we used to take turns in class reading from the textbook I would literally count the kids in front of me and figure out what section I was reading so I could practice it before it got to my turn. I think that’s where my anxiety started.

jcamini

I’m on Pay as u go

blod00

When I was growing up we had this big adult sized teddy bear just sitting in the corner of my room. Me and my bros would do wrestling moves on it. Well one day after much wear and tear the giant teddy bear opened up a rip between its legs. Anyway as a young lad going through puberty I began fucking this teddy bear after school. Literally sticking my bare dick into the hole and slamming away at the cotton till I jizzed. Nearly 15 years later I’m still so ashamed of myself.