The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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igotknockedthefout

The first time I got into a real fight I swung a kick so hard that both my feet went flying off the ground and I ended up cracking my head on the concrete. Flawless victory for the other guy and he didn’t even have to do anything.

Liger

I had a dream last night where my penis magically grew to 8 inches and a group of girls were complimenting me on it. Woke up and thought it was real for a second… nope, still a solid 5.5.

mcassmaggio

When I was a teen my dad sent me and my brother to spend a few days at this Italian monastery in the mountains that he thought would do us some good. The priests would wake everyone up early and we’d drink coffee and wine so we were always pissed before 8am. Anyway one night one of the priests told me to follow him alone into church away from everyone else. Being a guest and little bit tipsy I went along. Long story short we got to church and he sat down close to me, uncomfortably close, and said with his Italian accent “you know, it’s not a coincidence that you are here with me now.” Before things got weirder I made my excuses and left. Told my dad about this later and he says I was being paranoid but I’m 100% sure that priest was trying to fuck me in church that night. FML.

jhnybrvo

I have to look at the diagrams on the machines at the gym to know how to work them

Burgerbuns

I’ve got a massive thing for pregnant chicks… and have a sickening feeling it’s because I watched my own birth video aged 6 and a half. Am I the original oedipus?

imsorry

I got scolded by an entire family the other day because my dog pooped outside their house and I didn’t have any bags to pick it up. They were just arriving back home and saw the whole thing. I knew they were in the right so I just hurried off with my head hanging in shame

Binky750

Went down on a girl with a STINKING pussy a while back and I swear the smell followed me round for days. I was literally scrubbing my mouth and entire face with soap but for some reason the smell didn’t disappear fully until like a week. Is that normal?

Bugsy Malone

Years ago I got scammed by a 13 year old for a fake code on FIFA and ended up giving him 7 gold players including rare RVP in return for fuck all

Bigdad.

Ive always wanted to dance like Prince.

Whipper10

Me and my girlfriend are both a bit on the larger side, and one night while we were shagging she requested, for the first time, that I talk dirty to her. I don’t know how, but I instantly came out with “yeah you like that you fat fucking bitch”. She was fuming mad and left the room and didn’t look or talk to me until the next day

chair_anal

So my housemate works from home and has gone london for a couple of days and I’ve shagged a bird on his office chair… I hope the wet patch doesn’t stain.

marisza

My boyfriend has a t shirt he wears which i absolutely hate (there’s a bikini girl print on the front ffs). One day instigating sex i did that boy a favour and ripped it off him so that he had to throw it away. I am a genius.

drag-on

I smoked heroin a few times as a teen and was lucky to resist the addiction, but I can confirm it is the most amazing feeling in the world. Despite being in a bad place at the time for about 20 minutes I was the happiest boy in the world. Highly recommended! Well, sort of.

BigYao

I was working an overnight shift at work one evening. I was using my phone for an irrelevant reason and a slightly older (I was 21 she was 28) very attractive Spanish girl asked me in broken English if I had just asked for her number. I laughed it off saying that she was hearing things. It was only the next day when I told my mate the story and he pointed out that she was chirpsing me and trying to get me to take her number. another name to the long list of failed possibilities

Creepy Crawlys

I can’t go to sleep naked in bed because I get scared that a spider will crawl on me or even go up my butt.

Nauticus22

I’ve decided against dating a girl who I actually like because she sucked my best mate’s dick 2 years ago. I’m too much of a pussy to put up with the pisstaking from my friends that would surely follow

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!