The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

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loki

My mate had a wrap of coke taken from him by the bouncer during our bar crawl. We were all splitting it and it was halfway through the night so it really killed our vibe. The bouncer was a massive dick about it and made a huge scene and kicked my mate out of the bar. Fast forward a few hours later as we were heading to one of the next bars we see a bunch of police surrounding a shitty Corsa in the carpark. Next thing we know the bouncer is getting handcuffed and put into the back of a police car. Apparently an undercover saw him doing key bumps. Poetic justice!

Bender boy

Saved around 700 quid a month during lockdown, told myself I’d keep it up, chill out with the booze and the gear. As soon as the pubs opened I spend 400 quid on a 2 day bender. Why am I like this?

D manzi

I saw my girlfriend’s ex boyfriend’s dick. Let’s just say I don’t measure up.

n1ce_on3_TimmY_w

One time timw_brap gave me and a couple of mates a lift home to Brum after a ten foot pole gig in London and let us smoke a joint in the back of his moms car on the way back. Well I think it was his moms car, I cant quite remember as we got bare stoned all the way home. Dunno if I ever said thanks, but safe as fuck Tim!

droppedonmyhead

As i near thirty i have begun to realise that i might actually have some kind of undiagnosed learning difficulty/special needs condition that was simply ignored at every stage of my development by an uncaring and negligent education system. I feel everyone would probably cut me some slack if they knew and consider my exceptionally modest work related achievements as being far better when viewed from that perspective.

Good wood Wank

I keep jacking off in the woods.

So long

My really fit lesbian next door neighbour just moved out and I’m gutted. Hope another cool/fit lesbian moves in to replace her

[no name]

When I’m next to a guy at a urinal and piss as hard as I can to give the impression I have a bigger knob than him

[no name]

Was going through some old nude collections and I realised I had pictures of my ex-girlfriend at school when she was 16. Still had a good wank over them.

Wankymcwankface

We were on some party island having a big session. One of my mates who usually doesn’t drink much had his first night out. After a few fish bowls, he starts to flag and is complaining about needing to sleep. We hit a few more bars and all of a sudden he slips out. When I realise i go out to search for him and he’s passed out face down on the roundabout. He keeps saying i just wanna sleep now leave me alone, so I walk away and start making my way back to the flat until i realise he’s got the key. So i walk back and he’s happy i haven’t abandonned him and on the way back he’s like you’re my best mate, i knew you wouldn’t leave me behind. And I’m thinking i was just coming back for the key. Next night he gets up to the same shenanigans but this time i had the key and the flat to myself.

Remi18

I’m a compulsive liar and it legitimately scares me how good I am at it. I fully believe my own bullshit and sometimes don’t even know what’s true anymore.

Sports pimp

One time I got super drunk and crashed at my buddys house. His mum (milf) wasnt in but I slept in her room, in the middle of the night i went through her drawers found a bra and wore it as a mask while i wanked off into the en suite sink. That was like 15 years ago and i still feel guilty about it

Blaze it

I’m so gutted smoking weed just makes me extremely paranoid now, Used to smoke everyday and just get about my business now I have one puff on a joint and feel like a vegetable. Feel like I’ve lost my best friend

spicyjaeger

I’ve wanked off 5 times today. One was a mature and the other was a twerking black girl. Can’t remember what the other 3 were

Chucky B

To the bloke from Confessions #121 that wanked off to Honey G, WTF were you thinking? I’ve never been that fucking crazy horny!!!!

wildchild

At 15 on a school trip I somehow convinced a girl to let me finger her for an hour on the flight to Madrid. Still the best sexual experience of my life

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!