The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

fancyfeast

I purposely fart in elevators before I get off

[no name]

Iv tried to stop doing coke sessions and wanking my way out of the come down by smoking weed but all it’s turned into is doing more coke and weed together what is happening with my life

trudaddy

Me and my friends trade nude pics of our girlfriends

vij

Everytime I get with a girl and have a good time I hold off on texting her because I don’t want to seem too desperate but then I end up just never texting them and then my window closes and I have to wait a few months for the next girl and on and on the cycle continues.

bk95

I’m going to wank and drink alone all weekend instead of trying to be social and meet people and I’m super excited about it.

brucey bonus

My dick is at its smallest when I sit down to take a shit.

poopchutesniffler

When I was 21 I was horny as fuck and stuck at Coventry train station with my then girlfriend. She suggested a quickie in the toilets to kill time and being the horny 21 year old I was I was game. It was literally all going well until a woman dashed into the next door cubicle and proceeded to have a really dirty shit complete with the kind of noises of satisfaction you make when you squeeze out a huge poo. Suffice to say I rapidly lost my boner and I think I died a little inside. Still, being the horny 21 year old I fucked the shit out of her again in the train toilets. Think ever since then the smell of shit has been a huge turn on for me.

uncool king

Last weekend I got hammered and jerked off in bed. My girlfriend works nights as a nurse and came home the next morning to find me asleep with the lights on, naked, used tissues and the tissue box next to me

asleepyplatypus

I bought a box of weed brownies from some rasta dude in Camden, me and my boys ate them all over the course of the day and had zero effect. Scammed us good and proper. Now I can’t shake the idea that he jizzed in them or something.

eqan

I once kicked the shit out of a girl when I was 14. I actually quite liked her but she kept bullying me in that way hot girls do about my acne, and so one day I snapped and threw a basketball with some force into her face. As she was stunned I took a run up and fly-kicked her hard in the chest. She went flying into this gym frame and everyone gasped in horror. Needless to say I was expelled, sent to counselling, the lot. I do regret it but at the same time I’m not mad at my 14 year old self for doing it.

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Fancy confessing your deepest darkest secrets and getting paid for the opportunity? Click here to apply.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.