The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the juicy ones.

Here are the best from this week:

Total Recall

I got told that I drunkenly cheated on my wife at a family party. This story came from some fat bitch friend of the family who’s had a major gush for me ever since I snogged her when off when my face on pills at a party ten years ago and has never gotten over the fact that I married my now wife and not her. Now she’s been telling people I was cheating on my wife. I would be amazed were this possible knowing my ability to walk/talk/move after a skinful. More likely to piss myself than kiss a girl.

Standardyouth

I was the worst big brother ever. I fucked quite a few of my sisters freinds and sold her classmates shit weed. At least I always sorted her a good bag.

MiserableBastard

Went Christmas shopping last weekend and every cashier asked ‘what are you up to today?’ Isn’t it fucking obvious I’m Christmas shopping when I’m carrying around multiple bags and the decorations are up in every shop. I fucking hate people.

Noselfcontrol

I’ve been invited to my mates boring girlfriend’s birthday party tonight. Everyone who’s going will be young professional, digital media, hipster, craft ale arsehole types, If I go i know I’ll end up getting inappropriately hammered and coming on to all her boring mates to tolerate the tedium. The girlfriend doesn’t like my mate having friends as it is and this will be the final nail she needs to drive into the coffin of our friendship. I’m just gonna make my excuses and drink four tinnies at home and have a wank instead to save the friendship.

justcheatonmealready

I’ve been slowly falling out of love with my long term boyfriend and in love with my friend for the past year. I can’t bring myself to break up with him though so I’m just hoping he’ll fuck something up and I can be done with him. I’m not even attracted to him anymore and think about other men literally every time we have sex, mostly my mate. Feels good to get that out.

Personal dick

I have a personal trainer at the gym and every time I do squats I think about myself squatting on his dick, and wished he think the same even though he’s getting married next year. I go to Manchester lifestyle gym – hope your reading this Ben.

Rawdog

I split with my missus of 12 years a while back, and as you do when you’re in a long term relationship, I never used a Johnny. Problem is I’ve been spoilt, I just can’t cum wrapped up. One pregnancy scare with some batshit insane bird later I’m still doing it raw. When will I learn?

Some miserable cunt

I posted on here about being 4 days into not smoking weed anymore a few months ago. It’s now been 90 odd days. Its still fucking wank and it feels like I’ve lost a best mate or family member or some shit.

Whowonthewar

I’ve recently moved from London to Germany for a year. I just feel like I should let people know not to do it. Germany is shit.

AWOKEN

The world is controlled by horrible middle aged bigoted men and massive conglomerate corporations. Merry fucking Christmas everyone.

Hevebdiod

Had to quit my job because they started drug testing. Now everyone thinks I’m going into a better job when really I’m taking a massive pay drop.

Notguilty

My ex boyfriend cheated on his current mrs with me behind a scout hall… he came inside me.

Fannyfun

I’ve just broken it off with my boyfriend of four years, I’ve given myself more orgasms this week than I’ve had in that entire time.

Eh?

I don’t know how mortgages work… I’m 26.

SHITJOKES4LYF

For years now I have been shouting “Jenga!” every time someone drops or knocks something over. To this day not a single person has laughed. I’m not going to stop.

Som Tam

I came on my ex girlfriends toothbrush once when she wouldn’t give me sex.

Beggers aint choosers

I only ever do things out of the hope i might get laid. I still never get laid though.

Recyclem8

Had a house party, got absolutely smashed and ended up drunkenly banging a girl way early into the night and passing out, only to wake up and bang her again in the morning… with the same johnny on from the night before which i was too pissed to take off.

NojizzFistfight

I fucked a prostitute and didn’t get my moneys worth, ended up fighting with her pimp. Was still a pretty fun experience.

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week.