The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did by e-mailing your Confessions into [email protected] (our submissions box is fucked atm but don’t worry, it’s completely anonymous) — every Friday we’ll be posting the best ones.

Here are the best from this week:

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NOTBENSHEPHARD

Every day after work I watch Tipping Point (you know that shitty coin machine game show presented by Ben Shephard) and usually end up cracking one out over whoever the fittest female contestant is on it. If that fails then The Chase is on afterwards

guinnessstubble

The first time I ever wanked I got scared and thought I was going to pee

[no ID]

My foot/shoe fetish is so bad that when i am at work making deliveries, If i happen to see a woman’s pair of boots outside the house on the doorstep. I quickly sniff them while no one is looking.

greenishgrey

I fucked a 45 year old whale off Tinder the other week to break my dry spell. I’m 23.

gzzh

Cocaine use has ruined my monthly budget planning.

imaloser

I got dumped this week and 100% deserved it. I really need to sort myself out.

livefastdieslow

When I was younger I took a massive shit at my aunt’s house. Didn’t realise there wasn’t any toilet paper so I grabbed a towel from the closet wiped my arse and then folded it with the shit on the inside and put it back into the closet. 15 years later they still haven’t said anything!

immolxe

Whenever I get bored in a lecture/seminar I rank every girl I can see in the room from who I want to fuck most to least. It actually helps time fly by pretty quickly

bazedgod

Not a confession but I want to say something to all Sick Chirpse readers. Spankbangdotcom .. thank me later

rastaryan

Whenever I take a shit and wipe and see nothing on the paper, it makes me feel fantastic and I always have a great day after

chomsky

I was in the hospital visiting my granddad. His nurse was a fit Irish woman. She was doing some tests on him while I was in there with my grandma and dad.  Bit of an awkward silence so I get my phone out and the browser opens a porn I’d been watching the night before on full blast. I’m shocked to my very core and just freeze in my seat. My dad’s just cracking up laughing. The nurse gives me an awkward smile on the way out and I die inside.

alphaj62

On my first week of uni a kid in my halls reported me because I had British flag hanging outside my window. My halls master even had the cheek to ask me if I minded taking it down but in the end he agreed to switch rooms on the other side of campus.

beebop

Whenever I go down on my girlfriend I wonder if she even realises I’m just spelling the alphabet with my tongue

uniqueaverage

I’m voting for Trump purely because I want to see the world devolve into chaos.

thespock23

Whenever I play the Lottery, I wait a day or a few days to actually check the results and see if I won. That way I dream about what I would do with the money if I actually won it. Then obviously I check the results and find I’ve lost money

yellowzed

I was born in the early 1980s and hate the fact I statistically count as a “millennial”

5inthestink

I successfully transformed my girlfriend from a person who hates blowjobs into someone who gives them twice a week. The key is to keep a clean penis and offer bribes.

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) for next week by e-mailing [email protected] (submissions box is fucked atm but don’t worry – it’s 100% anonymous) – see you next Friday.