You have to do something on New Year’s eve, it’s basically against the law not to. Some of you will have been formulating your plans since June, others will probably “leave it to the last minute” and “see what happens“.

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However you choose to organise it, I can 100% guarantee that you will all have a monumentally average time, or, a shit time. Cast iron guarantee. In the words of John Oliver:

New Year’s Eve is like the death of a pet. You know it’s going to happen but somehow you’re never truly prepared for how awful it is.

NYE is totally overrated and here’s why:

Bad Timing

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So, December has spanked you hard. Financially you are a hollow husk of a man. Christmas has left you perpetually broke and neverendingly hungover. And then here comes NYE to kick you when you’re down.

Not only are you piss poor and crushed from consuming vast amounts of cheese and wine (the gout’s probably kicking in), but you’ve got a cold too. Along strolls NYE shouting and shitting “come out, come out! You literally have no choice.”

So you have to go and spend more money, break more of your brain and it all has to be done in the freezing fucking cold too.

You’ve been in your onesie under a blanket for a week straight. Fuck the outdoors. There is nothing there for you. Oh, except your friends…

Long Lost “Friends”

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Aahahhhhhh… you get to see all of those friends that you hardly ever see. That’ll be nice won’t it? Nope. Probably not, and for a few different reasons.

If you don’t normally see them because they live far away, that means that one of you will have to travel far. If it’s them, they will expect to be “looked after” all night; if it’s you that has done the travelling, you’ll be even more knackered; and when it gets to 2:00 am and you desperately want to sleep, you will have to wait until they want to go home because you have no fucking clue where you are.

If you rarely see them and they still live close to you, you have to ask yourself “why do I never see them?” and the answer will become clear on NYE. It’s because either you don’t like them, or they don’t like you. Simple as that. Thanks for shoving that in our face NYE.

Finally, if you rarely see this particular friend because they are suuuuuper busy, you can nestle down for an evening of listening to them banging on about their endeavours. Fuck that. If I want to feel depressed about my life I’ll drink gin on the sofa and look at Facebook. I don’t need to pay 56$£ per drink for the privilege.

Large Crowds Of Smashed People

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It needs no explanation really does it? Crowds of people are pretty bad normally, but if you mix in booze, freezing rain and oodles of disappointment you’ve got a horrible, horrible thing.

Humans sound awful on mass. They sound like a slow-motion car crash. It’s bad enough at football matches where they are sober, get one of those bait balls out in the open, drunk, after dark and you’ve got trauma ahead.

NYE is expensive enough, without having to pay extra taxes for the police and the clean up operation. Sod you NYE. Constantly thieving from us.

Enforced Fun. Again.

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You’ve had the cracker jokes and Pictionary already this week. Please no more enforced fun. Please. I hate fun at the best of times, let alone essential fun. Eugh.

No, I don’t want to play musical chairs. The prize is cheese and wine. I would be sick if I touched either of them.

HOW MUCH!?!?

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As mentioned earlier. It’s the end of the month, you ain’t be paid, you’ve bought every fucker in the world a gift and you are skint. Surely an event so badly timed would offer some wonderful discount options – would they bollox.

Everything: the food, the pub, the cab, the club, the next cab, the kebab (actually the kebab dudes are good lads, they’re the only ones who don’t hike it up for one night of the year.)

It’s just another kick when you’re down. Your local pub is OK, but you only go there because it’s close to your house, and all of a sudden they want 10 sheets off you for one night of ales where you’ll have to queue to get each and every piss poor watery beer? Fuck off…OK, I’ll see you there then.

It’s not optional is it?