Remember a few weeks back we wrote about a newcomer to the dating app game? They’re called “Once” and they’re the new kids on a very packed block.

We gave them a positive review because they sounded like they were actually doing something a little different from the rest of the herd, which takes some balls.

In general, I disagree with companies rinsing people who are sad and lonely, but this lot seem to be making an effort to make people a little less sad and lonely (aaahhh… how sweet). And, as I wrote last time, “Once” aren’t aimed at the megabucks “Yah, I got a yacht, yah!” dicks or the “frig me now, bitch” slagwhores.

“Once” seem to be dribbling the ball in the midfield, which is where most of the players seem to be, so that works.

So, why am I writing about this shit again? I hear you mumble through clenched buttocks. Well, I gave it a try so I thought I’d report back.

I assume some of you friggers might have guessed, only my mother thinks I’m handsome. The rest of the females (and males) in the country/world/universe consider me slightly odd looking at best and, often-times, creepy as fuck to be around. So I wasn’t exactly enamoured at the idea of putting my self esteem through the meat grinder. But I thought, well, fuck it.

The general idea at “Once” is that they just send you one match per day direct to your phone. You and your match get to see each other for the first time at the same time, if you see what I mean?

The first time I got a match, I stared at the screen through squinted eyes (I was stoned) and beads of sweat immediately formed on my balls and scalp.

I’ve been disappointed before.

I could hardly bare to look. “Holy shit” I thought. Looks good, similar interests etc. SNAP. Unfortunately, it turns out my pic didn’t switch her dials. Fair play, I’ve heard that before. (Maybe we will be friends though? LOL!)

Second match: same deal. Looks like the sort of girl I might be able to convince to talk to me, similar vibes as me etc. That was earlier today. I’m still waiting to gauge her response. Toni69, if you’re reading this, I smell better than I look… if that helps?

The job “Once” have done so far is already good enough for me to question how they do it. So I questioned how they do it, and they told me.

When you first enter your details the initial stage is unsurprising, you get lobbed into some kind of algorithm matrix (ah, fuck, the robots are taking over). The robot brain reads your mind and crushes you together with some other chunks of data that share similarities.

That’s where most dating apps begin and end, and to be fair, that can often be enough, as long as you don’t mind wearing your fingers to the bone swiping or scrolling.

What gives “Once” that extra sharp edge is the next stage: a real life human. I shit you not. They have a team of professional “matchmakers”, Cupids, if you will. These matchmakers look through the images of the potential matches that the robot has puked out, and decide which ones look best suited to you.

The Cupids don’t have access to anything except your photo. No personal deets. The computer has done the shit crunching and assessed all the jazz you put in, and then it’s over to the people (maybe the computers aren’t taking over just yet?)

The Cupids look at the people’s faces, obviously, but also their clothing, tattoos, piercings, where the picture is taken (at a sports match or a medieval castle, or whatever) and make the sort of natural assumptions that you or I would make when rating a member of the opposite sex. The sort of assumptions that the robots can’t do (yet). And it seems to bloody well work.

I’m thinking about applying for a job as one of the “Once” Matchmakers. Although, to be fair, I’d get fired within seconds. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from matching up people who will blatantly hate each other. Yeah, I couldn’t be trusted with that sort of responsibility.

Any way. Fingers crossed Toni69 will respond. Happy hunting, fuckers.