Do you believe in Satan? Nope, I don’t either. But it’s not all about me and you, there are other people out there who either genuinely revere and follow him or on the other side of the fence, are completely terrified of him. The upshot of this is that when the Devil’s name is mentioned in polite conversation there is a hush that falls over the group. Those that think Satan is a myth akin to Santa smirk but don’t want to offend; those that are full-blown Satan believers will cower in the corner and pray that Jesus will breathe merciful love upon them until the Satanic cloud has passed.

This strange dichotomy in modern society means that the idea of Satan has powered some pretty odd moves. Everything from murder to children’s books. It seems bonkers to me that at a time when humans have managed to put a man on the moon there’s still such a dirge of people who believe in an “evil” being that no one has ever seen, ever.

When I started writing this I didn’t expect to agree with any of the vibes that self-proclaimed Satanists would be sending out. But this first one is actually pretty cool.

1) Satanic Children’s Book

That’s right, a group called The Satanic Temple have decided to bring out and disseminate pamphlets about Satanism to school children in Orange County, Florida. In my opinion this action will do no more damage than handing out Bibles or copies of the Koran, but as you can imagine it is ruffling some feathers.

The group argues that if other religions can pass out their bumf, why can’t they? Fair point. Here’s what a spokesperson from The Satanic Temple has to say:

We would never seek to establish a precedent of disseminating our religious materials in public schools because we believe our constitutional values are better served by respecting a strong separation of Church and State. However, if a public school board is going to allow religious pamphlets and full Bibles to be distributed to students – as is the case in Orange County, Florida – we think the responsible thing to do is to ensure that these students are given access to a variety of differing religious opinions, as opposed to standing idly by while one religious voice dominates the discourse and delivers propaganda to youth.

Fair play.

2) Satanic Sitcom

Sammy Davis Jr. was predominantly famous for dancing and singing and making people happy. What many people don’t know about Sammy Davis Jr was that for a while he dabbled in the Church of Satan.

In 1968 he found himself getting invited to a party with a bunch of young actors who were members of the Church of Satan. The parties were debauched and Davis loved it, so he went along with the gang and got involved. He ended up going to Satanist extraordinaire Anton LaVey’s church.

So inspired by the religion was Davis that in 1973 he made himself the star of the only Satanic sitcom that’s ever been made (as far as I know). The feature-length pilot for Poor Devil is still to be found in the annals of Youtube thankfully. I must admit I haven’t watched it but I bet it’s great.

The Church of Satan lot absolutely loved Davis’ effort to bring Satanism into the limelight; he quickly worked his way up the ranks and became an honorary second-degree Church of Satan member. BOOM!

Unfortunately the pilot for Poor Devil didn’t pique anyone’s interest and never got made into a full series, shame. Davis went off Satanism soon after. 

3) Severed Fingers

This is more likely to be the sort of thing you thought you would be reading about in a list of things done at Satan’s request. This horrific and horror film-esque event took place in the Czech Republic.

A 15-year-old Czech girl, Alena Skrivankova, took a 10-year-old friend to the woods to play. Classic horror film beginning. At some point during the frivolities Skrivankova tied the younger girl to a tree, took an axe out of her bag and chopped off her fingers. Why? Because Satan had asked for them to be used in a Satanic ritual of course.

The 10-year-old managed to wriggle free after the deed was done and legged it home. The police were called and Skrivankova was found standing alone in the woods with the axe in one hand and the fingers in the other.

The teenager was sent off for psychiatric evaluation. A Czech police spokesperson said:

This is a deeply disturbing case.

Noooo shit.

4) Satan Gets Deacon Off Rape Charge

So we’re delving a little further down the sicko road now. Alexander Gonzalez Garcia was a church deacon at a Seventh Day Adventist Church in Idaho. You might like to think that the deacon of a church whether it’s seventh day, sixth day or any other day might be an all round good guy. That may normally be the case (I doubt it), but Garcia was a big bad apple.

Garcia molested a 12-year-old girl in a broom closet at the church. Initially he got charged with 20 years in jail and a life on the sex offender’s register. That sounds like a  pretty fair deal. But then, for some reason, and this is pretty nuts, things went in Garcia’s favour. Garcia claimed that the Devil made him do it and because of this admission the judge changed his mind. WTF?

Judge Bradley S. Ford dropped his sentence from 20 years to… guess what… 15 years? 10 years? Nope. He dropped it from 20 years down to five years. If he responds well to “treatment” he could be out in 12 months. Hurrah for the US legal system.

5) Satan Blamed For Computer Game Fail

Sometimes I think it would be nice to be religious. If things started going tits up you could just blame Satan, and every time something went well you could thank Jesus or the Holy Goat or whatever. I like that idea. You also get to believe that you’ll live forever and that your life has meaning. I am genuinely jealous of those beliefs. I wish I wasn’t so rooted in the real world, oh well.

Here’s an example of someone blaming otherworldly forces because they themselves are mongs. A Creationist software company – Phoenix Interactive Studios – took to Kickstarter to raise cash for a video game called Bible Chronicles: The Call of Abraham. Here’s what the company says about the game:

A spiritually-enriching, action-packed, FUN Judeo-Christian role-playing video game you can be proud to give to your loved ones!

The funding push didn’t quite pan out for them though. The company was dismayed to find that they were short of their goal at the end of the campaign. How short of their $100,000 goal were they? Oh, just $81,000 short. LOL.

Instead of getting introspective and asking themselves some hard questions like “is it just a shit idea?” or “am I in the wrong business?” they turned to Satan. Richard Gaeta, a co-founder of Phoenix Interactive Studios, claimed that Satan was “100 percent” to blame. No doubt in his mind at all.

So there you have it. Satan getting the blame for loads of different things, made all the more hilarious by the fact that he doesn’t even exist in the first place. I mean there is a guy in Mexico that sort of looks like Satan, but that doesn’t count.