There are many obvious benefits to riding a bike as a mode of transport, it’s free, it’s a great workout, it’s green, and you can ride past all of the rush hour traffic cackling manically whilst speaking to somebody on your mobile phone with one hand and eating a falafel with the other… legally. The problem with all of these benefits is the kind of do-gooders it attracts.

Not every cyclist is a twat, I ride a bicycle most days and although I am a twat in life, I’m not a twat on a bike. Many a truck/taxi driver will try to tell you otherwise, however, there are a ton of people on bikes that ARE twats, and they’re easy to spot.

1. SPANDEX SHORTS

This morning I was riding my bike to work, ahead of me I spotted an old man in full spandex from shoulder to knee, the sun was shining from behind and I could literally see his arsehole. If I had eaten breakfast it would have been on my face thanks to the lovely strong wind I was up against. He even had one of those saddle-shaped bum pads and I was still able to see through it. Regardless of an old man’s flesh button, men should never be allowed to wear spandex.

I’ll be honest, I’ve never actually spoken to a man wearing spandex (why would I?). So I don’t know what the fuck is going through their mind when they decide to slip them on. The only manly response to my question of ‘what’s with the meggings?’ I can imagine to spew out of their mouths would be “SPEED! When I wear these bad boys I go super fast!” But the actual reasoning is probably more along the lines of “it makes my tiny package look meaningful”, which it doesn’t, it looks like you are smuggling a misshapen plum into a bondage club.

On the other moderately-sexist unintentionally-perverted hand, girls can wear spandex shorts as much as they like, go to your office job in spandex shorts if you want ladies; I have absolutely no issues with it, because you look good in them.

The only excuses for wearing spandex shorts as a man are:

1. You’re practising for the Tour de France or some other race where you can’t compete without spandex shorts.

2. You have a tight pants fetish (which I think is the reason for the majority of you).

3. If you were to wear looser pants, your thighs will cause so much friction that your crotch will literally burst in to flames.

2. RIDING IN FIRST GEAR… EVERYWHERE

For every ten cyclists, there is one who never changes out of first gear.  It’s like they rode out of the bike shop and never touched the knobs on the handlebar because they ‘didn’t want to break it’. Either that or they think that the faster they can pedal, the faster they move. These people travel slower than your average pedestrian but look like Usain Bolt trying to smash all of his previous records. If they got off the bike and moved their legs at the same speed, they would be breaking the sound barrier.

The only excuses for being in first gear on a flat stretch of tarmac are:

1. You’re actively trying to piss off the guy behind you, if so; Touché.

2. You’ve shit your pants and you don’t want to make a mess of your socks.

3. You’re a fat bastard and you really struggle to push your bike.

3. FLUORESCENT JACKETS

If you keep coming close to getting run over whilst riding your bike, it isn’t because you’re invisible, it’s because you’re a twat. You’re probably diving in and out of parked cars along the side of the road in fear that you are slowing down traffic behind you. What you are actually doing is coming close to causing a 10 car pile of destruction behind you because every time you pop out you make any drivers  swerve out of the way. No bricklayers vest is going to make you visible through a row of parked cars.

I don’t even condone wearing a fluorescent jacket at night, you still look like an absolute bellend, if you are really concerned that drivers won’t be able to see your flashing lights on your bike (which you should have if you are riding at night) then buy a reflective sticker for your bag or something.

The only excuses for wearing a fluorescent jacket whilst riding a bike are:

1. You’re a child and your mum has forced you to wear it.

2. You require it for your job and you’re on your way to or from work.

3. You’re high as fuck and you’re on your way to a rave.

4. PRETENDING THEY’RE A CAR

If you’re riding a bike, you’re a fast pedestrian that has been politely asked to stay on the road so not to make the other pedestrians upset. You are not a car. If the lights are on red, and pedestrians start crossing roads, you are not bound by anything to sit and wait until the lights go on green. You sitting there and waiting for a green light just makes drivers regret not knocking you over earlier.

I’ve actually seen (on numerous occasions) cyclists queuing up behind cars in traffic jams, YOU’RE ON A BIKE, if you can’t get past the cars, go on the pavement until you can.

I’ve also seen cyclists’ stop in the middle of the road to let a car pull out, what the actual fuck?  If you can see a car pulling out, make them wait, don’t stop pedaling, speed the fuck up! You’re going to cause accidents stopping in the middle of the road.

The only excuses you have for pretending you’re a car:

1. Getting chicken from a KFC drive-thru (good luck with that though, I’ve tried it and they won’t serve you).

2. You actually think you’re a car, and the bicycle is a handy tool to help you blend in.

3. You’re practising for a driving test but nobody will let you drive their car.

5. THEY’RE RIDING ON THE PAVEMENT

I know I have just said that you are a pedestrian, I also said that you have politely been asked not to ride on the pavement. The sort of people riding on the pavement are shirtless on cloudy day, showing off their Saint Georges Cross/BulldOG/tribal tattoo with a fag in their mouth on their way to Cash Converters to sell the Blackberry Curve that they’ve “found”.

Its like going to the cinema wearing a Christmas Tree whilst wolf whistling the tune to countdown throughout; the only person enjoying the experience is you. The fact is, as a cyclist, you don’t have to pay any road tax. The councils have laid cycle lanes all over the place, this was funded by the people who drive cars that resent you anyway. So make use of them.

The only excuses you have for riding on the pavement:

1. You’re going the wrong way down a one way street.

2. You’re being chased by somebody in a car.

3. You have stabilisers on your back wheel because you haven’t yet mastered the art of not falling off.