The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit all of the bad things you’ve done over the past week.

Rather than posting the most juicy ones from last week, today we’ve decided to bring you a round up the top 20 most obscenely disgusting reader confessions. Enjoy:

soon to be unemployed

I drunkenly left an upper decker in my boss’s private toilet 2 weeks ago when he went on holiday because he’s a massive cunt and I hate him. It seemed funny at the time and the thought of it fermenting there and his reaction when he finds it gave me great joy, but now as its getting closer to his return to work I’m absolutely terrified because it’s quite a serious thing and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to blend it when he interrogates everybody. I’m fucked.

Jackidiot

When I was 15 my dad took me to see Mandingo at the drive in. It had full frontal male nudity (and a gay scene, of sorts, I think-I’m gay).  I was so horny that I got in the back seat on the way home and pretended to go to sleep, but I jerked off (took about 3 minutes) into my hand, then had to pretend to wake up so I could quickly lick it off as I sat up.  Hormones made me crazy when I was a kid.

xbowserx

After I have sex I always put on my tracksuit afterwards because my post-sex dick shrivels up to the size of a cashew nut.

tenhailmarys

On my gap year, I had a threesome only to find it wasn’t that great. I fell asleep after two rounds, which they weren’t impressed by. In the morning, one was in the shower but I needed a piss badly so I did it in the kitchen sink. I gave it a quick brush after –  I’m not an animal or anything. The flat used to belong to the guy’s now-dead grandma, not sure if a neighbour spotted the whole thing as my hangover was too blinding for me to care. Waited for guy in the shower to leave then went back to bed and banged the other one again. I’m a girl by the way.

Burgerbuns

I’ve got a massive thing for pregnant chicks… and have a sickening feeling it’s because I watched my own birth video aged 6 and a half. Am I the original oedipus?

BlastoiseTheWhaleWanker

The night I lost my virginity I was pretty much set to shag any 1 of 3 pretty hot girls from the year below at my school. Ended up getting completely smashed and making off with a 4/10 before I was able to find any of the hot girls I had lined up.

As we had loud sex on the tarmac outside my high school I realised I was too drunk to cum and very politely asked for a blow job. When that wasnt doing the trick either I basically wanked myself off and cummed in her face. After having a little chuckle to myself as she knelt there outraged and blinded by semen, i ran away into the night.

She caught up to me as i attempted to scale the large fence around my high school. As she clawed at my ankles i kicked her hands away, fell from the top of the fence and ran for the train home (i missed it and my friends grandma picked us up). School was not fun on monday but luckily the full truth never came out. I would spot my own used johnny clogging the drain outside every day before school – a haunting reminder of my first time. True story, unfortunately.

Ashamednotashamed

I jack it with my step sisters underwear. She isn’t even hot.

Wankathon

I have become so desensitised to hardcore porn over the years that I worry where it will end. It keeps getting more and more extreme – at the moment I can’t get enough of watching fat chicks getting gang banged in public. What’s wrong with me?

Nothavingsex

I haven’t had sex in so long, I think I’ve grown another hymen.

notdonaldtrump

Once I promised I’d take my friends bj virginity. While she waited in my halls room, I took a piss, but being pretty drunk, I didn’t wash at all really. Only realised something might have gone wrong when I talked to my friend a week ago (who also fucked her) who said she wouldn’t suck his dick because she thought all cock tasted like salt.

poopchutesniffler

When I was 21 I was horny as fuck and stuck at Coventry train station with my then girlfriend. She suggested a quickie in the toilets to kill time and being the horny 21 year old I was I was game. It was literally all going well until a woman dashed into the next door cubicle and proceeded to have a really dirty shit complete with the kind of noises of satisfaction you make when you squeeze out a huge poo. Suffice to say I rapidly lost my boner and I think I died a little inside. Still, being the horny 21 year old I fucked the shit out of her again in the train toilets. Think ever since then the smell of shit has been a huge turn on for me.

comatoes

My girlfriend gently scratches my balls with her fake nails when she gives me head and it’s the most amazing feeling ever.

highlymotivated

I used to piss on the back of my calves every time I took a shit. Took a while to realise that it’s because my dick doesn’t hang low enough into the bowl so when I pee it passes through the gap underneath the toilet seat.

tonianking

I met up with an old school friend who I hadn’t seen in 3 years since school finished. He was always a bit weird but a safe guy. Anyway the second time we met he brought his little sister along to the pub who had grown into quite the fittie. Somehow she invited me to visit her at her uni during the week and her bro didn’t object or even react to it at all. On the day I was going up there my friend sends me a Facebook message and says he knows his sister wants to bang me, and he’s OK with it as long as I don’t ‘film it and put it on YouTube’. He basically organised and gave me his blessing to bang his little sister.

Atomix55

I had a (considerably older) ex boyfriend who used to make me watch as he fucked my pillow. He could never explain why it turned him on so much and I still don’t understand it!

Aceshowtime

I had sex with my girlfriend yesterday and after wards there was a slight shit stain on the bed sheets which I swear it wasn’t from me.

Zary90

Not my story but the masseuse/handjob girl I go to sometimes told me that some guy pays her to wank him off and then he drinks his own jizz from her hands. Disgusting.

Binky750

Went down on a girl with a STINKING pussy a while back and I swear the smell followed me round for days. I was literally scrubbing my mouth and entire face with soap but for some reason the smell didn’t disappear fully until like a week. Is that normal?

chalky

I was on a date a few months ago whilst suffering from a stomach upset. I went to the toilet just to piss, but whilst doing so rather spectacularly shat my pants. I shuffled over to the cubicle, cleaned myself up as best I could, and removed said pants. With no other way to dispose of them, I lifted the lid of the cistern and left the defiled item in there. I returned to the date.

Spanky

When I first started wanking I didn’t know what cum was so I would just jizz on the floor of my parents’ house and let it dry up wherever I left it. They thought it was the dog.

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud.

For the 20 best ever Sick Chirpse read confessions, click HERE.

Make sure you send in your confessions again so we can come back with a fresh batch next week.