THE FEEL GOOD STORY OF THE YEAR.

So today Fernando Torres finally admitted he doesn’t have the stones to follow through on his word and contract. That he is only in it for the glory, not interested in sticking it out when it gets tough. Being part of something through thick and thin. That he wants to join Chelsea because they have such a prestigious history of success and are looking like the team to beat this season. Or is that the team that get beat? What a start to my day. The potential signing of one of the funniest men from the dismal 2010 World Cup is completely overshadowed here. Luis Suarez was supposed to be a foil, not a replacement for Torres. Now it looks like Liverpool are gonna be left in the same situation but with fifty million more pounds at midnight on Monday. What use is fifty million quid when it’s just gonna get swallowed into wages or whatever by the time we get to use it?

Given this massive bag of dicks I am faced with this morning, I needed cheering up.

This leads me to the crux of my ramble:

P. DIDDY IS BEING SUED FOR $1 TRILLION FOR CAUSING THE 9/11 ATTACKS.

(Editor’s Note: We actually ran this story yesterday, but I felt like Sands’ take on it was good we would run it again)

What? WHAT???

I thank my friend Fred Stonehouse (who probably won’t read this) for posting this on his facebook page.

Here goes, get ready for the greatest story ever told:

A mentally ill woman called Valerie Joyce Wilson Turks has filed for damages against Sean “Puff Doodle” Combs. She wants a trillion.

She also says that her and Combs have a son together, Cornelius Wilson. Who is now 23. Valerie Joyce Wilson Turks is 31. Puff “Diddy P. Combs” Daddy is 41. So…she is claiming that twenty-three years ago, in 1987, when she was 8 and Puffy Dad was 18 they conceived and birthed a child named Cornelius. And she’s taking this to the Los Angeles Superior Court.

A lot of things here point to a hoax. But It’s on the NME website and it’s not April 1^st. And I need this today. So I’m gonna indulge in it. Let me elaborate….

Following from the ludicrous idea that Sean Diddler had unprotected $ex with a minor in 1987, Turks alleges that P. Combsy Puff caused the 9/11 attacks, put her (and his) son in hospital, and stole a poker chip belonging to her. In the severity stakes the poker chip seems to take a very distant third here. But wait…Turks says that the chip was worth, and I quote, “over one-hundred zillions of dollars”. WOW!!!(?)

Not only has old Valerie seriously fumbled her plural conjugation here, she has used a word that doesn’t exist. And she’s taking it to the Los Angeles Superior Court.

Apparently Turksy is filing for $900 billion child support and $100 billion in lost income. Hmmm. Child support. Lost income. Now if I am to entertain the idea that her and Diddly Puff actually conceived this child, she now suggests that in a twenty-three year period (of which only the first eighteen would be payable under child support) that she, in some other fantasy dimension, would have earnt 100 billion dollars. And that in that time an estranged father should pay nine times her actual wage in child support. That’s $50 billion per year, over 18 years. Nearly $1 billion a week. Nearly $150 million a day. $6 million an hour. $100,000 per minute. For 18 years. And she’s taking this to the Los Angeles Superior Court.

In case you think I’m making this up here is an excerpt from the NME website on which I discovered this magnificent gem:

In papers she has submitted to the court, Turks wrote: “[Diddy] went through Kim Porter and Rodney King and knocked down the World Trade Center and then they all came and knocked my children down. Set me up to be on disability and disabled my baby. He put my baby in a wheelchair.”

She added: “I won a lot of money at the casino in Mississippi and Sean P Diddy Combs has my chip to my money. I want my chip please help me. It’s well worth over 100 zillions of dollars.”

Kim Porter is an ex-girlfriend of Puffy P. and Rodney King is some dude I don’t know or care about. They are also listed as co-conspirators in this ridiculous ticker tape parade for idiots. I didn’t mention them before cus its inconsequantial. As such I will never mention them again.

One thing that hasn’t been focused on here is V. Dog’s claim that the Diddler On The Roof actually caused, i.e. is directly responsible, for the 9/11 attacks. This is quite a revelation isnt it? I thought Bin Laden did it. Second on my list of suspects was the combined American political administration. P. Combs Puffman was way way down on my list of possible culprits. And yet Valerie, good old Valerie, has solved it. The greatest crime of all time. Valerie Turks has solved it. Like a deranged Poirot. Fuckin Puff Daddy did it didn’t he? And she’s taking this to the Los Angeles Superior Court.

Also… if the Turkster had won a lot of money in Mississippi, why was it in the form of one chip? Don’t you need more than one chip if you wish to gamble in a casino? If I’d won well over one hundred zillions of dollars I would be startled and confused if it came in the form of one chip. However, I would not be startled and confused enough to take it home with me. If I was as mental as V. Turks I probably wouldn’t have much money. So upon winning well over one hundred zillons of dollars in a Mississippi Casino I would cash that single chip in. Immediately. And then I would leave Seany Puff Puff alone. I certainly wouldn’t let him into my home to steal my things. Especially given the history of child abuse he has against me and my son.