Many of you will have worked in retail.

With each forced smile and robotic, gritted apology, you will have had the assumption that the majority of humankind are reasonable and nice, steadily ground out of you.

You will have been brought to your knees by the systemic bitchiness that stagnates at the core of the ‘modern retail environment’.

Due to me storming into the interview dapper, chirpy and charming only to transform into an unkempt, stonedover mumbling state the moment the deal is sealed; I’ve never really held any of  these jobs down.

I’ve done the rounds; from the snooty pretence of Marks and Sparks, to the sugary sleep deprived slavery of the Sainsbury’s bakery, the ostentatious backbiting of Next, all the way to the oppressive, backbreaking efficiency of Aldi.

On my sweep of the supermarkets, I have come to recognise that the same characters inhabit every shop floor ecosystem. These I will place in an accessible list form for you now.

Oh and by characters, I don’t mean ‘oh you’ve got to meet Baz, he’s a right character’, I mean characters like the characters in a depressing, badly written play that you are paid £6.06 an hour to act in.